Connection Gems

The Connection Gem of the week applies Mindful Compassionate Dialogue to situations in daily life and offers clarity and practical skills. You can find an archive of Connection Gems using the list or search engine below.

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Practice Needs-Based Negotiation: Skill 2: Identify and communicate three ways to set up a dialogue for success: state intention, offer reassurance, plan for safety

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 7: Needs-Based Negotiation, see Skill 1: Articulate the difference between needs-based negotiation and other common forms of negotiation.

Skill 2: Identify and communicate three ways to set up a dialogue for success: state intention, offer reassurance, plan for safety

This skill is meant to interrupt habitual orientations, fears, and beliefs that trigger reactivity. 

State Your Intention

  1. All needs-based negotiations rest on the intention to meet specific needs in a way that works for those involved. This means having enough connection to promote honesty and inclusion throughout the negotiation. 

  2. If the intention to create a supportive quality of connection is not authentic for you, spend time receiving empathy or engaging in self-empathy regarding the topic or person involved before you enter into the negotiation.

  3. Stating your intention to connect helps you and the other person relax habitual defensiveness and other forms of reactivity.

  4. Here are some examples of what stating your intention to connect might sound like:

    • “I want to understand where you are coming from and what’s most important to you.”

    • “I am hoping that by the end of our dialogue we can respect each other’s values, even if we don’t agree on what to do yet.”

    • “I care about what needs are most important to you in this situation, and I want to hear them and ask you to hear what needs are most important to me.”

    • “I want to figure out something that works best for both of us. I’m not interested in right or wrong or trying to get you to agree with me.”

Offer Reassurance

  1. Reassurance is most effectively offered relative to the tender need of the other person.

    • For example, with a tender need for autonomy, you might start by saying, “I support you choosing what’s right for you.”

  2. Here are some examples of what offering reassurance might sound like: 

    • I care about this going well for both of us. 

    • I am feeling grounded and patient right now. I am committed to emotional safety in our dialogue.

    • I respect your autonomy and want a better understanding of your needs.

    • I have a lot of respect and care for you. My only intention is to collaborate more effectively.

Plan for Safety

  1. When talking about safety, ask yourself what you would like to be safe from. The most common fears in dialogue include:  losing your center, unsolicited advice, analysis, minimizing, gas-lighting, judgments, character attacks, anger, blame, shame, physical or verbal intimidation, manipulation, yelling, and violence.

  2. Internally identify what you fear, and connect that fear to specific needs. Common needs might include: acceptance, respect, clarity, honesty, support, caring, responsibility, gentleness, and mutuality.

  3. Here are some examples of central elements that might be part of a strategy to protect these needs:

    • Determine how to recognize reactivity and call a pause for regulation and anchoring.

    • Set limits on time.

    • Choose a setting that supports safety—for example, a public venue, an outdoor space, or a place where you won’t be interrupted.

    • Work with a third party: therapist, mediator, etc.

    • Determine if both parties are resourced before beginning a challenging dialogue—if not, begin with regulation and anchoring, or set up a different time to talk.

    • Identify words or behaviors that are not permitted and would signal the end of the dialogue.

    • Make an agreement that when one person calls a pause, the other will pause.

Practice

Practice with a study buddy in the following way:

  1. Set a timer for 2 minutes. Partner A: speak freely about the relationship you would like to role play. This is a relationship in which you fear triggering disconnect by bringing up unmet needs. 

  2. Set a timer for 3 minutes: Partner B: reflect back what you heard and offer empathy guesses. 

    Empathy guesses for this exercise means using the feelings and needs list on page 2 and using one of the following phrases:

    • “Do you feel________because you need (value)________?”

    • “Do you feel________because___________ is important to you?”

    • “Do you feel________because you long for _____________?”

  3. Partner B: assume the role of the person Partner A spoke about.

  4. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Partner A: Identify and then practice aloud each of the three ways to set up a dialogue for success:

  • State your intention

  • Offer reassurance

  • Plan for safety

Let yourself imagine you are speaking with that person and notice the following:

  • Which skill is easiest for you?

  • Where do you get stuck? Feel defensive? Or, worry about their response?

  • What helps you stay grounded in the intention to connect?

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