Simple Responses to Perceived Demands
Learning to stay connected to yourself in the face of perceived demands is challenging and stressful. Let’s look at three simple practices.
First, notice your body’s reaction with warm curiosity. Your body reacts to the perception of a demand immediately. Typical body reactions include one or more of the following: tightness in the chest, hands making a fist, leaning back or forward, mental fogginess, clenching of the jaw, etc. Verbal reactions take the form of defending, explaining, attacking, apologizing, or withdrawing. Notice and name these reactions as they arise.
Naming your reactions internally might sound something like this:
I feel tension in my face.
I want to defend myself and show this person how wrong they are to demand this of me.
I have a sense of shrinking.
Next, remind yourself that you have a choice to not enter into a power struggle. You can literally step to the side and let the energy move past you. Then, to give yourself time to get grounded, repeat back what you heard the other person say.
You can also support nervous system regulation by keeping your body at angle to the other person or even being side by side.
When you have found your center again, you can choose to offer empathy or honest expression.
Empathy, could sound as simple as, “I hear there’s something really important to you about this, is that right?”
Honest expression could also be simple, “I need a moment before answering. I want more connection. Would you like a cup of tea?”
Of course, you can always say “no” when you perceive a demand and yet if this is a relationship in which you want to care for the connection, you will likely want to understand what is really happening in the moment and what the other person is attempting to ask for. With this more grounded understanding you can find an authentic response.
Practice
Take a moment to reflect on the last time you perceived a demand. Imagine yourself responding with each of the steps outlined here:
Silently name bodily reactions.
Name reactive thoughts and impulses to defend or attack.
Side step the potential power struggle both literally and energetically.
Reflect back what you heard.
Offer a simple empathy guess or honest expression.