Connecting Even When You Remember Differently

You live through the filter of your own experience. Everything you do, think, and feel is informed by your beliefs, mental or physical states, attitudes, and culture. Because of this, the way you experience a given event is completely different from someone else, who is also living through their unique filter.

And yet, you might find yourself wishing for shared reality around a given event that created a rupture in connection. When your needs aren't met and you want to tell the other person about it, often the first thing you want to do is get them to agree on what happened. You can get caught in arguing whose memory is most correct when, in actuality, both of you remember your experience of the event more than the facts.

In regard to this, one Gem Reader writes:

"My husband has memories . . . which I do not remember; words that I do not remember saying and actions on his part that I do not have a memory of.  It seems to me that I can either interpret his recollections as creations in his mind which come from his own insecurities rather than from reality or he can interpret my not having a memory of these incidents as denial on my part. Is there a third option?"

Truth is a universal need and comes up when you hear someone describing a past event differently than you remember. The good news is you can still focus on the truth in a situation like this by acknowledging the truth of the other person’s experience rather than the facts of the event. Even if you could magically access a video recording of the event, it wouldn't change the internal experience each person had at the time. It is this experience that wants empathy, healing, and understanding.

For our reader, then, her third option is to meet her husband with empathy and offer her own experience of hearing him in the present moment. For example, empathy might start like this: "When you think about how you remember that, I’m guessing you feel hurt and angry, because your needs for understanding and respect weren't met. Is that it?"

Her husband may respond with another memory that doesn't match hers by saying something like: "Yeah, you didn't care how I felt at all!" Hearing an accusation like this, it can be very tempting to defend yourself. The practice is to remember the other person is still only talking about their experience, though they may not yet be able to own it as such at the moment. You might decide that you need a break after hearing this reactive accusation and come back when the other person can interact with more groundedness. But if you have the resources, you could again just offer empathy: "Thinking I wasn't caring about you, you really feel hurt. You want your feelings and needs to be considered. Am I getting it?"

Most people will begin to soften and relax after receiving empathy in response two or three times. They look up and make eye contact, their shoulders relax, and they breathe more fully. When you see they have a little more space to hear you, again it might be tempting to begin to argue about differing memories of an event. This puts the other person on the defensive and, in their experience, often invalidates the empathy they have already received.

Instead, our gem reader can begin first with the feelings and needs that are present for her in the moment. First, she might check-in and ask if he can hear her. For example: "I am wondering if you’re open to hearing what came up for me while listening to you?” Hearing a yes, she might go on to say, “Hearing your experience, I feel sadness and regret because caring is so important to me and I am hearing that need wasn't met. I want to move forward and find a way that both of our needs can be met in a future similar situation. Would you be willing to come up with concrete ways we could do it differently next time?”

While it can be helpful and grounding to have clarity about what happened during an event in which needs were unmet, it is also important to let the details go in favor of focusing on one’s experience. When someone is expressing any strong emotion, no amount of correct information will meet their emotional needs. It is the experience that wants to be heard and felt.

Practice

This week, notice your impulse to correct other people when they describe a past event. Try to shift your listening to hear their feelings and needs. Breathe through your heart and reflect back a guess about those feelings and needs. Notice what happens for the other person when you do this.