Spotting Unconscious and Pervasive Shame at Three Levels
When you hear the word “shame,” the first thing that likely comes up is an image of some intense scene with crying and shutting down. This happens with shame, but shame also shows up in lots of ways that aren't so obvious. Becoming familiar with shame, its impact, and its many faces can help you break the cycle of suffering it ignites.
Let's start with a definition of shame. Shame is the feeling you get when you (consciously or unconsciously) perceive that your worth or basic sense of goodness is in question. It's about your identity, who you are as a person. You might notice body sensations associated with shame such as a sinking in your chest, tension in your face, a knot in your stomach, and a sense of heaviness, shrinking or becoming distant. Shame is distinct from guilt, which is the feeling you get when you perceive that your behavior was out of alignment with your values. If we lived in a world in which people were perfectly self-aware and grounded in their goodness, these feelings would act as alarms, bringing attention to a given behavior so that one could change course and repair anything harmful.
In most cases, however, shame triggers more suffering rather than inspiring change. An article in a local paper recently said something to the effect that people should have more shame, then they would behave better. Unfortunately, as I said above, this is only true when you are perfectly self-aware and grounded in your goodness. Otherwise, the most common impact of shame is that you become less responsible - literally unable to respond. Shame typically shuts down your thinking, your heart, and even your physical body to some degree. In the absence of a way to cope with shame, the impulse to fight, defend, or act out in violence can take over. Or, you might find yourself boasting, lobbying for extra attention, and turning toward numbing behaviors such as: alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, overworking, T.V., filling every spare moment with checking your phone, and so on. Given that these are pretty common behaviors around the world, my guess is that we already have more shame than we can manage.
Shaming happens daily in systems, in interpersonal interactions, and inside yourself. Let’s look at each of these in turn.
Spotting shame triggers in systems
When you live in a social economic system that prioritizes getting over giving, things over relationships, personal gain over improvement for all, or even self-sacrifice over self-care, shame is an inevitable result. Your heart knows that systems like these are not supporting our thriving as a people and a planet. For example, I recently traveled with an airline I had never been on before. When I found my seat in the coach section, I had to make myself physically smaller to fit into the seat - something I had never experienced before. This particular airline had clearly worked to squeeze every bit of space out of its plane. The seat arrangement sent a clear message that people don't matter as much as profit. This small example reveals the underlying harmful idea that those who have more financial resources deserve to have their needs met (in the airline example, the need for comfort) and it reveals the pervasiveness of systems that value profit over people. Existing in such systems can’t help but trigger either shame or anger. In the airline example, shame could easily arise in passengers around their body proportions or around their financial capacity to choose a certain type of seat, or around both of those.
Spotting shame triggers in interpersonal interactions
Interpersonal interactions can trigger shame through subtle withdrawal of friendliness or affection. For example, I was waiting in line at the grocery store recently and watched the cashier cheerfully interact with each customer in front of me. Then when the person of color in front of me began to interact with the cashier, suddenly the cashier’s demeanor changed. Her smile disappeared and her tone and words expressed what I perceived as irritation and impatience. When you perceive someone withdrawing friendliness for no apparent reason, it’s common to imagine something is wrong with you. Any type of prejudice or judgment can be a powerful trigger for both shame and anger.
Spotting shame inside yourself
You are likely experiencing unconscious shame in dialogue with others when you are defending, spending most of the time in an interaction talking about yourself and your achievements, or remaining silent when you would like to share. In your internal dialogue, shame probably shows up most often in the form of "shoulds." Each time you tell yourself that you should or shouldn't be a certain way, shame is likely present. Here are some shoulds you might recognize:
I shouldn't be so sensitive.
I should be able to handle this.
I should be stronger.
I shouldn't be such an idiot.
I should have a different body.
I should be a better parent/spouse/friend/counselor/nurse/supervisor/teacher, etc.
When you try to make a change in your life from a sense of shame, it takes you in a self-defeating circle, forever trying to get away from what you don't like in yourself. Lasting change grows out of acceptance and your excitement and aliveness around creating something you care about. Lasting change moves towards something life-giving in a grounded and empowered way.
Practice
Choose one of the three places that shame can show up (in a system, with others, inside yourself) to pay attention to for the week. Watch for symptoms like shrinking, numbing out, shutting down, “shoulds,” and defending, as well as physical symptoms such as sinking in your chest, tension in your face, a knot in your stomach, and a sense of heaviness or shrinking. Once you become aware of situations where you feel shame, start by naming the shame (whether to yourself or with others you trust) and then identifying the specific triggers and the unmet needs for you in that situation.
For concrete and practical tools for working with shame check out our eight week course on shame.
Other resources on shame:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en
Liv Larsson´s book "Anger, Guilt and Shame: Reclaiming Power and Choice
