Finding Peace with Verbal “Attacks” from Strangers

Sometimes people you don't know tell you about their unmet needs quite openly, though not directly. Rather than a self-responsible request, you hear a series of judgments - something like, "You $%$%&*@!, watch where the hell you're going!"

In the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD), you have a variety of options for responding without escalating reactivity and judgment. Even before such a trigger occurs in your life, you are ideally laying the foundation for non-reactivity by setting your intention to maintain equanimity in the face of challenges. Impractical terms your intention might manifest as you commit to the practice of interrupting your own judgmental thoughts or pause throughout the day to engage in regulation practices. Setting your intention clearly and committing to continuous practice lays a foundation that enables you to access your skills when you need them most.

In the moment of a trigger, you might first want to tend to your own regulation by taking a breath and noticing if the verbal violence threatens your physical safety. Taking a moment to assess the situation interrupts the reactive survival response. 

After you have tended to your physical safety, you could engage self-empathy or empathy. Sometimes jumping to empathy interrupts reactive thinking more effectively by getting you out of your own story. Empathy can be silent or aloud. Either will bring your attention back to the frontal cortex and some sense of presence. With empathy you might ask what feelings and needs might be up for the other person or what could be going on in their lives that has them interact in such a stressful way?

In closer and less volatile situations, you might be able to respond verbally with empathy. For example, you might cut in front of someone in line at the store without realizing there was a line there. The person behind you says, "Hey lady, can't you see there's a line here!"  You respond as you step to the end of the line, "I didn't see. Frustrating waiting so long, huh." Simple empathy guesses like these often immediately derail any reactivity and also surprise the receiver. Responding in this way, you dissolve that ripple of violence that was sent your way. It doesn't continue on through you to affect the next person you encounter or your family upon arriving home. You can choose not to decide who was right or wrong in the interaction and simply let it go. You create peace in the face of violence in that moment of empathy.

Sometimes the feeling and need of a stranger isn't easy to guess. In this case, you can use a simple form of internal empathy like, "He is either hurting or scared. He wants to protect something."

Grieving and self-empathy can also contribute to peace. Seeing someone communicate their needs in ways that don't consider your needs, you may feel grief and disappointment needing kindness, awareness, and consideration as you go about your day. Giving yourself time to feel sadness over this rather than trying to just brush it off or react in anger, honors the needs that weren't honored by the stranger. Honoring yourself allows you to continue to honor others.

Practice

This week, contribute to peace in our world by taking up the practice of empathy for strangers whether you directly interact with them or not. As you are out and about choose someone who you can hear and see clearly and silently guess their feelings and needs and wish them well.