Four Choices for Responding to Indirect Criticism or Judgment
Indirect expressions of criticism or judgment can pass through an interaction quickly. For example, you mention something you did and the other person says with a frown, “Oh, I would never do something like that.” The conversation moves on, but you feel confused, hurt or irritated. You would like some way to maintain groundedness and gain clarity, understanding, and connection. Let’s talk about four possibilities for staying connected in moments when you perceive criticism or judgment:
Silent self-empathy
Standing in your truth
Contact and curiosity
Honest expression
1. Silent self-empathy
Even if the other person continues to the next topic, you can choose to stay with yourself and notice your experience with empathy. If you are not able to call a pause, you can choose to withdraw most of your attention to your thoughts, feelings, needs, and requests. An internal process might sound something like this:
I didn’t like that comment. I feel tense and disconnected. It sounded like judgment to me. I want understanding and acceptance. What do I want to do about this right now? I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up. I am going to engage my anchor for acceptance and take a long slow breath.
2. Standing in your truth
When you perceive judgment or criticism, affirming the validity of your experience aloud can help you stay grounded and confident. This isn’t about convincing the other person of something or defending your view. It’s about speaking more fully about what’s true for you so that you can stay connected to that truth. In our example from above, the other person says, “Oh, I would never do something like that.” Saying what’s true for you, you might elaborate on the value of what you did. For example, you might say something like, “For me it’s quite valuable. I gain inspiration, discovery, and clarity about how things work.”
If you had expressed a mistake you made and the person made the same comment mentioned above, it would likely be even more triggering for you. Standing in your truth, in this case, might sound something like this, “Mmm, I have compassion for myself. And I know that if I am not making mistakes, I am not taking risks to grow and learn. So I don’t mind it. I am confident I can repair the impact of my mistake.”
3. Contact and curiosity
If reactivity doesn’t take over, you may have enough groundedness to get curious about what’s happening for the other person. Naming what you notice and asking a question is a simple way to open the dialogue to create more connection. Here are a few examples of simple contact statements and questions to open the dialogue:
Something changed on your face when I said that. What came up for you?
When you say you would never do that, I am guessing you have some thoughts about it. Do you want to share them?
When I see your expression, I wonder if some judgments come up for you?
Looks like something happens for you hearing me. Want to share?
I see your face change, but I don’t know what that expression means. Are you willing to say?
4. Honest expression
If you are with someone with whom you have a close connection and trusted rapport, you might choose to share more fully. Here are some possibilities for honest expression:
When I hear you say that I feel tense because I want understanding. Would you be willing to hear more about what I was thinking when I did that?
When I see your facial expression, I have a thought that you are judging me. So I feel nervous because I want acceptance. Would you be willing to tell me what you understand about my experience or ask me a question about it?
When I hear your tone of voice I imagine that you’re judging me and I’d like clarity. Can you tell me what’s happening for you?
With any of these approaches the key is to remember that anything anyone says or does is about their own thoughts, feelings, needs, and requests in the moment however indirectly they might express them. Staying grounded in this truth helps you to take people's comments less personally. This gives you options to tend to your own experience or to clarify if criticism or judgment is actually present. This also helps you get curious about judgement knowing that if you can get to the feelings and needs underneath someone's judgment you can return to connection with them. Lastly, if you understand judgments to be an expression of someone's internal experience rather than a statement about you, you don't necessarily have to know what these judgments are or hear them. You can go directly to the needs for either of you and make specific requests.
Practice
Take a moment now to reflect upon a recent interaction in which you perceived criticism or judgment. choose one of the four options above and play out in your mind how you might have responded.
