Practice Needs-Based Negotiation: Skill 3: State observations, thoughts, feelings and needs in less than two minutes before asking for a reflection back from the other person
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 8: Needs-Based Negotiation, see Skill 1: Articulate the difference between needs-based negotiation and other common forms of negotiation, and Skill 2: Identify and communicate three ways to set up a dialogue for success: state intention, offer reassurance, plan for safety.
Skill 3: State observations, thoughts, feelings and needs in less than two minutes before asking for a reflection back from the other person
Key concepts for maintaining connection in dialogue
When emotions are involved the other person can only hear a little at a time.
Understanding is not necessarily enhanced by more words or repetition of the same words or ideas
Understanding is enhanced by allowing the other person to take in a little at a time and then express what they heard
If you want to talk for more than two minutes without a reflection or question from the other person they may lose connection with you. Take responsibility for connection by checking in frequently to see if they are still with you.
Watch for and interrupt these common ways dialogue gets derailed
RUSHING: When you feel anxious and urgent you may imagine that there isn’t enough time for each person to be heard fully. You might jump in with your thoughts before hearing the other person fully, or you might push the other person to respond faster or be more clear than they are.
Pause to anchor when there is reactivity, and remind yourself that it is the quality of attention that creates connection.
ATTACHED TO OPINIONS: When you are truly making space to hear the other person in a collaborative dialogue, your intention is to understand what's alive for them and express what’s alive for you. This means dropping evaluation; the lens of like/dislike, right/wrong, valid/invalid, etc. Release attachment to opinions by simply reflecting back what you've heard with no additions or edits on your side.
Remind yourself that you will have your turn to be heard.
COMPETITIVENESS: Competition arises out of the idea that some people’s needs matter more than those of others and that there are limited resources. When this reactivity is present, you might try to prove that you suffer more or that you are more deserving. This is the kind of argument in which ideas of fairness devolve into ideas of things having to be the same.
Take refuge in the fact that there are many ways to meet any given need, and you can choose a new way to meet your need.
LOBBYING INDIRECTLY FOR YOUR NEEDS: For most folks the idea that your feelings and needs are always valid is revolutionary. Separating a behavior or thought from the feelings and needs that go with them is a very subtle skill. Mostly they are thrown together in a heap, such that when you get feedback about something you did that didn’t meet needs for others, that feedback likely includes a denial or dismissal of the feelings and needs connected to the behavior. Thus, you have learned to argue for the validity of your experience as though you were a lawyer in a courtroom; reciting facts, explanations, justifications, finding fault with others, and bringing up past events to show that your feelings and needs are valid.
Engage an anchor that grounds you in the truth that your needs are valid.
GOING BLANK/SHUT DOWN: It is common for one person to suddenly go blank in a negotiation or simply have no access to their own feelings or needs. This might happen because overwhelm or shame is present. Often coming back from shut down means accessing regulation strategies. Empathy and reassurance can also help.
SKIPPING TO PROBLEM-SOLVING: If you don’t yet fully trust connection as the foundation for honoring all needs, you might rush the process of creating connection and go directly to problem-solving. In this case, problem-solving capacity will be limited by the lack of understanding of the needs at hand.
When you find yourself stuck at the problem-solving or strategies stage, go back to connecting with feelings and needs.
GETTING STUCK IN ONE SPOT: You may be more comfortable or familiar with certain aspects of your experience over other aspects, and thus, neglect other parts of experience. In addition, when you stay too long with one aspect of experience, you can get tunnel vision and restate that experience over and over again. Examples of experiences one might get stuck on include a: memory, opinion, feeling, demand, unmet need, perspective, or behavior.
Create the habit of systematically expressing each of the following: Observation, thoughts, feelings, needs, requests. Anytime you feel stuck, move your attention to another part of your experience.
KEEPING THE PEACE : Habits of conflict avoidance might have you pushing for agreement even when it isn’t authentic for you. This often leads to conflict later. Delay negotiation until you have enough resources to tolerate disharmony and stay connected to your needs.
Practice
Identify your derailment habits. Take time now to identify which of the dialogue derailments in the table above are most common for you and identify a specific example of how this has played out for you in a particular dialogue.