Steps for Working With Thoughts That Trigger Depression

Once in a while, or perhaps more often than you’d like, you might find yourself in a dark cloud, feeling heavy, low, unmotivated or hopeless about yourself and the world. You might still be engaging in daily life, but you notice a lack of aliveness in what you do.

In the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, feeling depressed is an alarm that lets you know you are disconnected from your own feelings and needs.

One major trigger for feeling depressed is self-criticism. If you have ever tried sitting still and clearing your mind, you likely noticed thoughts coming and going at great speeds and quantities.

It’s common to be unaware of much of your own thinking. Yet, your thinking has a great deal of impact on how you feel, how you react to life situations, and how you affect others.

One major contributing factor to feeling depressed is thinking that represses or criticizes your own experience.

Here are some examples: 

"I shouldn't feel sad, scared, angry, disappointed, depressed, shocked, tired, stressed, upset, happy, bored, lonely . . .etc."

"I am useless, my life has no meaning…etc.”

“I am failing, I can’t get anything right…etc.”

“I always make bad decisions and I don’t know what to do.”

“It's not okay for me to need affection, understanding, friendship, trust, comfort, safety, rest, family, community, intimacy, love, . . . etc."

"I should be more independent, less reactive, more patient, more aware, more focused, more energetic, more healthy, . . . etc."

"What's wrong with me? I should be over this by now. This should not be an issue. I should know better."

"I have got to stay in control of my emotions. If I let myself feel what's coming up I won't be able to handle it. "

"Emotions are dangerous and unpredictable and will take over if I don't keep them in check."

"I don't deserve to take up space (with my own needs and feelings). I deserve to be punished, left out, ignored..."

"I am being selfish, self-absorbed, dramatic, etc."

These all send one basic message: there is something wrong or threatening about your experience, who you are, or what you do. 

Thoughts like these can be habitual. You might have started having these thoughts as a child. You might have been in a situation in which you were given the message that your feelings and needs weren't important, or had the experience that expressing and having them was wrong. You may also have received the message that you as an individual were somehow “wrong” or “bad.” You may have internalized this experience such that it became a habitual way of thinking about and perceiving yourself. How do you start undoing these habits?

When you notice depressed feelings coming up, stop and review what your thoughts have been. Remember that you are not your thoughts and your thoughts do not convey the truth of who you are. Look for all the situations in which you could have possibly given yourself the message not to feel a certain way, or not to be the way you are.

You might find it easiest to first ask yourself what has happened. You can work your way from the most recent events backwards. If you feel any bit of emotion recalling an event, start writing the thoughts you had. If you haven't done this before, you may draw a blank when trying to remember your thoughts. Keep asking the question: "What were my thoughts? What was I telling myself?" Wait, and they will appear.

When you find the disconnecting thoughts, write them down. They have much less power over you when they are outside of your head. Then begin working through the following steps:

1. Mindfulness

Whether in the moment or later in reflection, begin with mindfulness. Turn attention toward your experience. Stabilize attention by naming everything you notice as it’s happening: feelings, body sensations, posture, thoughts. Access an attitude of acceptance by saying things to yourself like: “I’m reacting. It’s okay to react.” Or, “ I can pause and notice what’s happening inside.” Or, “This is just part of being human. Everyone gets reactive.” 

2. Anchor

Put your full attention on an anchor most useful for the situation. Keep your attention on your anchor until your perspective expands and your body relaxes a bit. Write down the anchor you will practice with here.

3. Name Feelings (body sensations and emotions):

For example, “My chest feels tight.” “I feel angry.” “I feel anxious.” “I feel content.” Etc. Use the feelings list.

It's okay for me to feel what I feel! What feelings did I have when it happened? — You might notice here that your feelings are stimulated by your interpretation of the event rather than the event itself. You might also ask the question, “What do I feel when I don't believe my interpretation of what happened?”

Take the time to feel your feelings in your body, accepting that they are a part of your inner experience in this moment, even if they are uncomfortable. (“I feel low and depressed. I also feel embarrassed. I can sense tension in my chest and some heat in my face.”) Your feelings matter. They give you a signal about what's happening for you and they're valid as they are. And the longer you sit with a feeling with acceptance, the more you are allowing it to move through you and dissolve naturally.

4. Name Needs 

“What needs do you perceive to be met, unmet, or at risk in this situation?” Use the needs list.

It's okay for me to have needs! What needs were alive for me in the moment? What needs are alive for me now? — Validating your own universal needs can bring great relief. (“I realize my getting their name wrong didn't meet my need for consideration towards others, and for connection. These are really important values to me.”) This starts with the premise that you, and all people, are allowed to have and express those needs. Having needs is just a part of being alive!

5. Articulate the Neutral Observation  

Ask yourself: “What happened the moment I got triggered?” Describe the external trigger event as a neutral observation (something a video camera could record).  

This is an important step which will help you gain more distance from your thoughts and loosen their hold on you. Often, the neutral and objective description of what actually happened (say you got an acquaintance’s name wrong when running into them) is easier to handle than what you’re telling yourself about it (“I’m useless and can never do anything right”). 

6. Identify Thoughts

Immediately connected to the trigger event: Ask yourself, “What am I telling myself about what happened? What interpretations or assumptions have I made?”

7. Articulate Requests  

What do you want to ask yourself or someone else to do to respect or contribute to the needs you just identified? Effective requests are specific and doable and answer most of these questions: What? When? Who? Where? How long? How often?

Taking ownership of your needs and generating strategies to meet them may feel empowering. This is the crucial step to moving forward and out of depressive feelings (as often as necessary)! You no longer have to wait for anyone (or for yourself) to guess your needs and do “the right thing.” You can sit down and think of ideas to meet that need and then try them out! (“Next time I bump into an acquaintance and am unsure of their name, I’ll tell them my memory’s been failing me and ask them to jog my memory,” or, “I'll avoid naming them all together and call them something endearing like “honey” or “sweetheart” or “buddy.”)

Although it may not feel like it when you are under that dark cloud, remember that you have a choice about your thinking. You can choose not to believe your thoughts. You can choose to change your thoughts. You can create an internal reality that connects you to life. And every time you ask yourself the above questions, you are taking a step forward in that direction. For more on this, check out Richard O'Connor's book Undoing Depression.

Feel your feelings. Honor your needs. Know your thoughts. Choose to shine a light inward and care for your inner world with compassion. 

Practice

Whether or not you are currently noticing depressed feelings, take a moment today to reflect on a recent situation that had you feeling uneasy, ashamed, guilty or low. Place yourself mentally back in the situation and identify the thoughts associated with those uncomfortable feelings. Write them down. Then give yourself time for self-empathy as described in the steps above. At the end of the exercise, check in with yourself and notice how you feel. If there is still any degree of unease in you, take the time to run through it again or ask a practice buddy for some empathy and go through the steps together.