Repair When the Hurt Goes Deep
A Connection Gem reader wrote to me about his attempts to heal an emotional wound with his partner. He sent me the following quote from his partner:
"Under no circumstance can you repair this, any action you take would be humiliating-that ship has sailed never to return. Doing it now would be meaningless anyway, it would be cleaning up a mess because mom said so-I don't want to be your mom, you need to grow up. This so-called empathy is empty and creates no connection, it's just another layer of protection".
Ouch, that's a painful kind of thing to hear as you attempt to heal with someone. How can you respond when you hear something like this? The most obvious first step is to call a pause and tend to your own regulation. Then, offer yourself empathy by naming your feelings and needs. Take time to notice all the feelings and sensations that are present. Welcome any reactivity that comes up for you. Identify any self-critical thoughts. Given our example, critical thoughts might sound something like this:
"If you weren't such an idiot, this wouldn't have happened in the first place."
"She's right, you just want to offer empathy so you'll feel better. Once again you're not caring about her experience."
Each one of these critical voices is a tragic expression of your feelings, needs, and requests. Turn toward each critical voice with compassion and empathy. This means first naming it - "this is my inner critic." Then use the feelings list to identify all feelings present. Next, consult the needs list and find the needs your inner critic voice is pointing to. Possible needs behind the voices listed above could be competence, contribution, and integrity. Lastly, write a translation for each one. For example:
"When I call myself an idiot, I am really expressing fear and regret and needs for emotional safety and healing. My request to myself is to focus on healing my own heart through this self-empathy practice."
When you have given yourself empathy, and taken some time for your body to calm after the interaction, you might be ready to orient towards what the other person said with silent empathy. In listening with empathy, even after the fact, it's important to remember not to take someone's words literally. Reactive words are a tragic expression of feelings and needs and hearing them literally won't move you towards connection. Here is how the reactive quote from our gem reader might sound if the speaker had been in touch with her experience and able to express it with self-responsibility.
"Hearing your attempt at repair just now, my whole body tightens. I have the impulse to punch you and run at the same time! I feel a surge of anger and the threat of shame in the background. At this moment, I can't imagine what healing from this would look like! I feel disconnected and angry even trying to imagine it because I need a lot more trust than I am experiencing now. I want to know you are being authentic and not acting out of obligation or some impulse to make things seem okay when they are not. I need support and empathy from someone else. Would you be willing to check in with me at the end of the week?”
When you have done something that triggers deep hurt for another, there is often a loss of trust around care and connection. When trust has been lost, caring can often only be received through the vehicle of emotion and body. That is, the other person needs to see and hear your vulnerable expression. Sadly, this is often the most difficult thing to offer. Your first impulse is likely to defend or attempt to smooth things over. Once it is clear that you both want to reconnect, coming forward spontaneously undefended and vulnerable has the highest probability of leading to connection. Trust is built when each person stands fully in what's true for them and receives the vulnerability and authenticity of the other.
Practice
Take a moment to reflect on a repair waiting to happen in one of your relationships. Notice what comes up when you ask yourself each of these questions:
Do I need more regulation, healing, or empathy from someone outside of the relationship?
Do I have space to make a guess at the feelings and needs of the other person with regards to what happened?
Am I ready to express and receive what is true for each of us?