Realizing Impact & Checking-in
Under the layers of habits, distractions, and defenses, we share a common tender heart and universal needs for love, honor, safety, celebration and more. Unfortunately, this isn't always easy to see or to remember.
When you are caught in reactivity around your own pain and behaving from that place, it can be quite difficult to notice the impact of your behavior on others. A person in pain rarely looks up and out from their world to see what is happening for the other person. Often, even the available sources of support are dismissed or ignored, deepening the cycle of disconnect.
Realizing the impact of your behavior requires a willingness to look up and to get curious about another's experience even while you are in pain. Empathy from someone outside of the situation will help you to find this capacity. Often others communicate negative impact by withdrawing, defending, or criticizing. So it takes a fair amount of mindfulness on your part to remember that there is a tender heart on the other side of every interaction.
Here is a tragic example that has a positive ending. I was helping a couple communicate about driving together. Partner A was from a country in Europe where speed limits are much higher than here in the States where Partner B was from. For 25 years of marriage, Partner B had been asking their partner to slow down while driving. For 25 years, Partner A could only hear demands and criticism when asked to slow down. At first, in our session, they went back and forth arguing as they had done all those years. I helped them both to slow down and connect with feelings and needs. After several rounds of me offering empathy and helping with mindfulness, Partner A was able to give Partner B their undefended attention and Partner B was able to express the fear that arose with the speed of driving. Hearing their partner for the first time, Partner A immediately began weeping. They said that they had not known the impact of their behavior and of course wanted to contribute to safety. They both wept for the years of fear and disconnect and also celebrated that they could come together in a new way.
You can prevent and interrupt cycles of pain like the one described above, by regularly checking in about the impact of your behavior on another. Bringing this kind of curiosity opens the door for empathy and negotiation so that your relationships can be a place where you get to be fully you and contribute to the well-being of others.
The key to realizing impact with grace and connection is to check in about the little things and check in frequently. This includes all of the relationships that are important to you. Learn to bring questions to the end of your time with someone deepens your understanding of how to care for each other. Such questions might include any of the following:
What worked well for you today?
What could we have done differently to make our time together even better?
Was I attuning well today or did I miss something you wanted me to hear or understand?
How was our time for you?
What was most connecting for you about our time together?
What was your favorite part of today?
Anything about today (our relationship) that is not working for you?
When you know or suspect you have had a negative impact on someone, questions or conversation starters might sound more like this:
I am guessing something I did or said didn’t work for you. Do you want to share?
When I said “x,” I am guessing it didn’t land well for you. Can we repair?
I would like to understand the impact of my decision on you. Would you be willing to tell me how it is for you?
I am not sure how it affected you when I ….. Would you be willing to share?
Realizing impact is also about discerning the difference between guilt or shame and self-responsibility. In guilt or shame, you make yourself wrong for having a negative impact on another. In self-responsibility, you meet yourself with compassion, trusting in your intention to benefit others, while having the courage to accept that it doesn't always happen that way. You also remember that relationships are an ongoing collaborative effort to create fulfilling and authentic experiences together.
Practice
Choose a specific relationship right now in which you would like to open a space for more feedback about how you are relating. Review the check-in questions above or create your own to practice with in the coming week.