How to Make Space for Everyone’s Pain
Have you ever listened to someone express their hurt over something and found yourself responding with something like, "I feel that too, but it was worse for me”?
Some conversations seem like a competition in who is suffering the most. You might have found yourself taking turns with someone sharing ever more painful stories regarding a given theme.
A variety of needs might be up in such a conversation, such as for being seen and heard, for empathy, for healing, for belonging, or acceptance.
This trap of competitiveness can be hard to avoid. As the other person starts to express their pain, you feel your own. You want to be heard too and you might imagine that if you hear their pain first, yours is less important or if your pain is less severe you won’t be heard. Tragically, the more intimate the relationship, the stronger the impulse might be to argue for how painful it has been for you and how you have suffered more. In this context, sometimes all it takes to derail connection and begin a competition is a phrase as simple as, “So do I.”
When you or another want to share something painful, it’s important to create a safe container first. A safe container includes addressing variables like:
Willingness to hear and hold compassionate space for what will be shared
The type of experience that will be shared
The type of response wanted from the listener
The amount of time needed to share and receive care
Whether or not there is willingness for both to share and be heard in the same session
Sometimes the person you are with will launch into an intense topic without warning. Interrupting to connect is essential in this case. Here are some possible interrupting phrases:
Oh, hang on, sounds like this is tender. I want to offer you my full presence. Can we…(your proposal to create a container)?
Ouch, this sounds painful. I am guessing you are needing empathy and I notice that I don’t have the resources to stay present right now, can we (your proposal to listen another time or engage in a different activity that could be supportive for you both)?
As you start to share, I want to care for your heart. I wonder if we want to be clear about the time we have and what you want back from me?
As you learn to create safe containers for sharing that don’t involve competition, it will be easier to remember that your feelings and needs are valid—not in relation to others’ feelings and needs, but rather because they are your experience in the moment.
Creating a safe container also means asking yourself if you really have the spaciousness and clarity to hear the other person when they want to express painful feelings. If you notice that you are competing, attacking, defending, spacing out, or withdrawing, this means you don’t have the resources at the moment.
If it seems like there is never a good time to talk when it comes to particular topics, it likely means that you need more support with that issue. Seek outside help. Talk with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor. With more support, the hope is that you are confident about creating a space in which everyone’s experience can be heard with respect and care.
Practice:
This week, each time you or another starts to share something painful, attend to the container by checking in with the relevant variables listed. I have copied them below for you.
Willingness to hear and hold compassionate space for what will be shared
The type of experience that will be shared
The type of response wanted from the listener
The amount of time needed to share and receive care
Whether or not there is willingness for both to share and be heard in the same session