Why Setting a Life-Serving Boundary Can Trigger Anxiety
If setting a Life-Serving Boundary triggers anxiety for you, it might be that in your family of origin it was adaptive to be hyperflexible. Perhaps, it seemed that the best way to avoid violence was to give up your own sense of self in order to adapt or please the adults or older siblings in your home. The idea of setting boundaries might have seemed dangerous in that context. If this was true, you likely experienced consistent boundary violations. This could have been as subtle as adults not seeing the unique child you were, projecting their own identity onto you, and making demands that you conform. It could have also taken more gross forms such as shaming, physical abuse, or sexual abuse.
When any kind of boundary violation occurs regularly throughout childhood, the child learns to abandon their own internal sense of what is true for them in favor of responding to what others want. The natural inclination to listen to your needs, creativity, and thoughts while considering others, is replaced with a mandate to focus externally on what others and the situation seem to demand. Without an ability to listen internally, you have no way of knowing what boundaries you need to set.
If you recognize any of this, you are likely already on your healing path; learning to listen to and trust yourself. In the childhood described above, there was neither safety nor support for attuning to your deepest values, unique expression and talents. It was likely even dangerous to occupy your own authenticity and set boundaries.
As a part of your healing path you are learning to maintain self-connection and set boundaries that help support your thriving. In the beginning, setting Life-Serving Boundaries may trigger anxiety—echoes of previous danger. Being able to set boundaries with calm and equanimity will require a critical mass of experiences in which you set a boundary and immediately experience safety, acceptance, and support.
Ideally, you would experiment with boundary setting with those who are secure enough in themselves that they can support you being you, however different from them you are. Each time you have a positive experience of boundary setting, your body, heart, and mind will trust it a little more. You will be able to listen internally. Slowly, as you listen, your myriad and complex experience will unfold for you. You will know more and more what is true for you, and learn how to create a thriving life.
Practice
Take a moment now to simply notice your experience, with no agenda and no analysis. Gently turn your attention to your experience. Notice thoughts, feelings, sensations, impulses, energy, and images. With warmth and acceptance, simply name them as they arise, and watch them pass away.
*For more on Life-Serving Boundaries, check out our book HERE.