Share Your Relationship Vision

A Connection Gem reader, let's call her Silvia, wrote with the following example from her relationship with her boyfriend:

I often need reassurance. We have a troubled relationship and we're trying to make it work.

So, I say to my boyfriend, “I am sad because I need reassurance, could you tell me you love me, or something you appreciate about my improvement?’”

He answers with things like, “Do you want affection on demand? I'll give it to you when I want to, you can obtain better from me if you don't ask.’”

I try to give empathy saying, “So, do you feel…?” But he stops me, goes away, or switches his phone off.

So, how do I give empathy to a person if he wants to stop the dialogue?

No doubt there are many complicated dynamics going on with Silvia and her boyfriend. At the same time, it's important to tend to the big picture. In the example above, Silvia is inviting a particular kind of relationship—one in which revealing feelings, needs, and requests is a valued form of connection. Because this is a very vulnerable form of relating and also likely unfamiliar, he may interpret her honest expression as an attempt to control or criticize him. Thus, it's essential that Silvia explicitly share her overall vision of what she wants in an intimate relationship and ask if he is on board.

The more clearly you communicate about how you would like to build intimacy and trust, the more the other person can answer you honestly about their values. Communicating in this direct way means that you are willing to live from your values at the risk of losing a relationship or changing its form. This takes courage! It means being willing to risk a potentially painful immediate outcome for greater satisfaction and ease in the long term. Silvia may adore her boyfriend in many ways, but if he doesn't share her vision of what it means to build an intimate relationship, they are signing up for a lot of suffering.

Being able to clearly share your vision for intimate relationships requires this ability to live from your values in the face of potential pain and discomfort. It also requires that you know what those values are, and some core ways to live from them. If this is fuzzy for you, you can start by looking through the needs list. Of all the needs on the list, imagine that you could only consistently meet three of those in a given intimate relationship. Which three do you choose?

Now that you have those three, reflect on how you most enjoy having those needs met. For example, if you chose collaboration as one of your three, how does this show up? Is it about bringing in equal money, sharing household chores, a shared commitment to transformation, shared play activities, regular sharing of feelings and needs, or something else?

Sharing your needs and vision for intimate relationships is a way to honor yourself and your thriving.

Practice

This week, take some time to choose the top three needs you would like to meet in a given intimate relationship. First, notice the specific ways these needs are already being met—with this person, or someone else. Next, ask yourself if there are other ways you would like to meet them. Communicate this with the other person and get curious about their top three needs.