How to Invite a Silent Partner/Friend into Intimate Sharing
You love sharing your experiences with your partner or intimate friend. You want them to hear and understand your experience of life, what touches you deeply, and what scares you. You remember how at the beginning of your relationship there was an intimate flow back and forth— you both shared so much.
And then, something changed. Maybe you don't quite know when or how, but your current experience is a sense of distance. You feel lonely in your own world and disconnected from their world. You try to share, but you don't see a response in their face. They were never a super talkative person, and now the silence is more than you enjoy. You see yourself retreat or talk louder or faster hoping to engage them and get the response you want.
Later, perhaps, you become angry and critical. Either in your thoughts or out loud, you say something like, "Why can't you take an interest in me?! Is it so hard to show some emotion, ask a question, or show me that you understand?! You did it before. You're just holding back on purpose. I guess you don't want to be close. Maybe we are just too different."
In your own sense of disappointment, anger, and reactivity, you might try to get them to engage by alternately criticizing, cajoling, talking more, or withdrawing. Unfortunately these strategies only generate more distance. Finding your center and starting from a different place requires humility and mindful intention.
Humility
If you could analyze and suss out all the reasons that you and this person aren't sharing in a way that creates intimacy for you, you would have volumes and volumes compiled and still no greater intimacy. The reasons we miss each other in connection are many and complex, and knowing them doesn't particularly help. And, imagining you know them typically makes things worse. Let yourself be humble in the face of this complex web of causality. Admitting that you can't solve this with analysis helps you to let go of assigning blame and getting angry about how things should or shouldn't be.
Mindful Intention
Direct your attention towards what's happening with compassion and gentleness. First, notice when you are criticizing, convincing, talking more, or withdrawing or when you start to feel disconnected. As soon as you notice this (that is, don't wait for 10 minutes to go by hoping something will change!), pause, and ask yourself, "What do I want to create right now?" Focus on the felt sense of your longing for intimacy and sharing until the felt sense of longing is more noticeable than the hurt, anger or impatience.
Then, make a request, offer an appreciation, or offer an invitation from this place of longing. Requests that create a safe place for sharing sound something like this:
I'd love to share about my day and hear about yours. Is this a good time, or would after dinner be better?
I'm curious what comes up for you as you hear me?
Receiving some sort of verbal sign helps me to have a sense of connection. Would you be willing to give me a “yeah” or “uh-huh” if you are understanding me?
Hearing you ask me questions about my experience really gives me a sense that you care. Is that something you could do as I share?
When I tell you I am feeling sick, it's so comforting just to hear you say something like, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."
When you look out the window as I'm talking, I make up a story that I'm boring you. Could you help me understand what's happening for you?
Sweetie, did you hear me? I'm looking for a response.
When you are silently taking in what I say, I get nervous that you have drifted away. Could you let me know if you are still processing what I said?
Appreciations and invitations might sound like this:
I know sharing with words is more my thing than yours. So, I appreciate your willingness to take time to share this way. I get that you care about our connection.
I'd like to hear anything about your experience, nothing is too small.
What else?
So you're feeling (insert feeling guess here)?
Let me see if I get it…(reflect back what you heard). Is that right?
I hear that you value (guess a need), yeah?
Take all the time you need (to formulate thoughts and words).
(Offer affection while you are listening like hand holding, foot rub, cuddling, etc.).
Inviting intimacy with someone who is often silent is something that is created through experiences of security as you consistently make requests, and offer appreciation and invitations from a connected place in yourself. Consistent, in this case, means that these things become a regular part of nearly every conversation.
Practice
This week watch for little moments of disconnect and pay special attention to what you do with that disconnect. Likely you engage in one of the behaviors mentioned above (criticizing, convincing, talking more, or withdrawing). For this first week of practice just focus on catching yourself in these behaviors and then breathing into the longing underneath until you can feel it fully.
Once you have cultivated more mindfulness around reactivity, study the list of requests, appreciations, and invitations above and begin practicing them. Let the other person know about your new practice and hope to create a safe space for sharing.
