Practice Healthy Differentiation: Skill 6: When perceiving blame, shaming, or pressure to think or act in a particular way, set a boundary and engage in honest expression
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 12: Healthy Differentiation, see Skill 1: Articulate the core values by which you make major decisions, Skill 2: Name at least five strengths you have that help you contribute to others, Skill 3: Express and hear differences between you and another while remaining grounded and nonreactive, Skill 4: When noticing emotional upset in someone close to you, remain grounded and authentically choose, and Skill 5: Name and engage in self-soothing and self-regulation strategies as often as you seek soothing and regulation from others.
Skill 6: When perceiving blame, shaming, or pressure to think or act in a particular way, set a boundary and engage in honest expression
An essential aspect of healthy differentiation is valuing yourself enough to keep yourself safe from harm. This means being able to access honest expression and the ability to set Life-Serving Boundaries in the face of challenges like shame, blame, or the pressure to do something that's not right for you. In those moments, the first task is just to recognize what’s happening. For example, you think to yourself “I'm being pressured, or it sounds like they are blaming me.” In that moment you use this naming of what’s happening as your cue to go directly to engage in self-regulation and discern how you would like to set a boundary, take a time-out, or engage in honest expression, all of which empower you to live in alignment with your deepest values. When you do this again and again, you gain confidence that you can take care of yourself in any interaction.
Practice
Here are some possible ways to respond to blame, shame, or perceived pressure. Bring to mind a relevant situation you have experienced, and imagine how you might apply each of these:
Awareness & Self-Empathy
Internally name that a trigger stimulus is present and release the topic or agenda at hand
Engage a regulation strategy and then an anchor
Interrupt the reactive dynamics. This might look like any of the following:
Repeat back what you heard
Call a pause to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water
Choose to completely ignore the other while you connect with yourself
Request a pause: “Hang on second I need to process what’s happening.” “Hang on a second, I need a moment to refocus so I can hear you.” “Give me a minute to take in what you’re saying.”
Honest Expression & Life-Serving Boundaries
You may choose to set a boundary with honest expression, or simply share your experience. If you choose to set a boundary with honest expression, follow through on what you say. For example, if you say, “Your tone of voice isn’t working for me. I am not willing to continue the conversation in that tone. Are you willing to shift?” and the other person says yes, but proceeds in the same way, then it’s important to walk away at that point.
Have some key boundary phrases ready like:
This isn’t working for me. I will talk with you later.
What you’re saying hurts, I am not going to continue the conversation this way. Let’s try it after dinner.
I’m not interested in your analyses of me or attempts to convince me of your view, please stop. I can hear your experience and your requests, will you share that part?
I am getting reactive, I don’t want to respond from this place. Let’s talk tomorrow.
A basic structure for honest expression is: “When I ( see, hear, or notice) ___________, I feel ____________ because I need (because what’s important to me is, because I value) _________________________. Would you be willing to _________________________________________________?”
Empathy
If you decide to attempt empathy, drop into your center and put your attention on feelings, needs, & requests—the experience in the moment.
Jump in frequently with empathy guesses. Don’t wait for the other person to pause or take a breath. Frequently means every 15 seconds or so. If you wait silently for a polite pause, the other person will likely escalate or you will lose your center.
Empathy guesses can be one word guesses, one sentence, or a couple of sentences. For example:
Sounds painful
Needing more respect?
Wanting fairness?
I’m guessing you’d like understanding?
That wasn’t what you wanted
Was it shocking?
A basic structure for empathy is: “Do you feel _________________ because you need _________________________?”