6 Ways that Support You Being Heard
Having a sense of being heard is part of the foundation of any healthy relationship. When you don't have a sense of being heard, you might accuse the other person of doing it wrong. Do you ever hear yourself saying the following? “You always have to make it about you.” “You're so defensive.” “You never listen.” “You don't get me.” Telling someone they are doing it wrong doesn't typically inspire them to try harder. Instead you likely hear a retort about what you are doing wrong, something like, “Why do you complain so much?!” “I will never get it right for you.” “You’re so critical.”
Unchecked, these exchanges shape your relationship over time. When you don’t know how to ask to be heard in a way that supports connection, you stop sharing at all. The longer you hold back, the more you are not heard, the more resentment builds, and the more reactivity takes over when you finally do share. Your reactivity triggers the other person’s reactivity and further blocks connection. This cycle leaves you feeling disconnected, lonely, resentful, and still longing to be heard.
When you learn skills that help you take responsibility for being heard, you can interrupt cycles like these and create connection. Let’s look at the following six ways that will support you in being heard.
Clarity about topic and needs
Supportive conditions
Respect for autonomy
Share your intention
Attend to emotional security
Make clear requests
1. Clarity about topic and needs
When you know for yourself what is most important to have heard and what other needs you hope will be met with the conversation, you are more likely to speak in a way that supports connection. If it is a challenging conversation, this might mean honesty with yourself about any reactivity that is present for you. Look for thoughts that contain words like “they should” or “they have to,” and any judgments like “they are being inconsiderate or selfish.” Also, check for assumptions you have made about their motives such as, “they just want to control things or they don’t think my needs matter.” If reactive thoughts like these are present, look for listening or empathy from someone outside of the situation first. This will help you get grounded in your needs and also consider the needs of the other person.
2. Supportive conditions
When you are you clear about your needs, ask yourself what conditions and context will support you being heard in the way you want. Choosing supportive conditions might be especially easy to lose of track of with those you live with. For example, you might want to connect about the long day you had when you get home, while your housemate or partner just wants to get some chores done. Other conditions or contexts to consider include: before or after a meal, at home or out somewhere, sitting together or going on a walk, time of day, when others are around or alone.
3. Respect for autonomy
Ask for an authentic yes or no regarding the other person’s willingness to listen. Do this by letting them know the topic and the needs you hope to meet. It might sound something like this, “I am wanting to talk about starting a practice group in the spring and just be heard around my hopes for it and hear yours. Are you up for a conversation about that now?” Or, “I have something tender to share about a conversation with my mom. Are you available to offer empathy?”
Respecting autonomy by sharing the topic and your needs allows the listener to offer their presence freely, if they are willing, and to prepare to listen in a certain way.
4. Share your intention
Name your intention underneath the immediate needs you want to meet. Hopefully, your fundamental intention is to connect and there may be a more nuanced sense of your intention that you could offer. Using the example above about the practice group, sharing your intention might sound like this, “I’m thinking that sharing our hopes about the group will open the door to more creativity.”
5. Attend to emotional security
When you want to be heard regarding unmet needs in a given relationship, it’s especially important to attend to emotional security. Offer reassurance regarding your care for the other person and your intention to connect rather than blame or criticize. Reassurance might take many forms and really depends on what lands best for the other person. Here are some possibilities:
I am not feeling reactive.
I’m not blaming you. I just want things to go better for both of us next time.
Your needs matter to me.
I know your intentions are good.
I know you are devoted to our friendship.
I see that you are working hard to keep things going.
I know that you love me.
I want to talk about this because our connection is important to me.
6. Make clear requests
Share clearly and explicitly what would give you a sense of being heard in that particular conversation. Here are some examples:
“When I tell you I’m feeling sick, I am looking for something simple in response like, ‘Sorry you're sick, can I do anything?’ or ‘Sounds miserable,’ or just a touch on my shoulder.”
“I want to share with you about my experience with your family and at first, I am just looking for empathy.”
“I wonder if you are up for a business meeting? I'd like to share the research I did on the costs for our trip and hear your ideas.”
“This is a super tender topic for me so I am looking for your undivided attention and to hold your hand.”
“I am excited about something and just want to celebrate with our happy dance.”
When you make a request for the kind of listening you want before sharing, you not only support yourself in being heard in the way you want, you also offer respect for the other person’s choice and give them a sense of ease regarding how to support you if they say yes. Clarifying the listening you want in the beginning also gives you a place to come back to when your listener goes in a different direction. For example, reminding your listener of what you want might sound like this, “Oh, I hear you have some ideas about what to do, and for right now I am just looking for empathy. Would you be willing to offer some guesses about my feelings and needs?”
Any of these six strategies might be useful in one situation and not relevant in another. You might already do some of these things in particular relationships or settings. Bringing conscious attention to them will support you in making use of them when you need them most.
Practice
Take a moment now to reflect on a recent time in which you received the listening you wanted. Which of these strategies supported that interaction?
