Gratitude or asking for more in your partnership
You value practicing gratitude and setting your intention to notice what's going well. At the same time, you are committed to asking for what you want in your relationship. So it hits you hard when you are in the midst of sharing something vulnerable with your partner and they say something like, "Can't you just be happy with what you've got?!" This kind of reaction from your partner seems to put you in a bind. It seems to imply that in order to be happy with what you've got, you can't ask for something more or communicate about what's not working for you.
Of course, the truth is that you can be grateful for what you've got and still ask for something or communicate about what's not working, both can be true. There are no "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" about when to ask for something or when to rest in gratitude. There is no hidden relationship rule book that lists what you are allowed to ask for and what you aren't allowed to ask for.
Only you can decide your priorities with regards to communication in your relationship. Over time you may notice that it's not worth the energy expenditure to bring up things that are simply uncomfortable or irritating in the moment, but to only give your attention to that which is more deeply in or out of alignment with your needs and values.
When you do decide to bring something up and make a request, and your partner responds with reactivity, it’s important to call a pause for self-empathy and then either offer empathy or honest expression.
It’s helpful to remember that when your partner (or anyone) says anything they are, indirectly or directly, expressing their own feelings, needs, and requests. This is equally true for comments that seem to be about you, like, "Can't you just be happy with what you've got?!" If one were more connected to their feelings, needs, and requests such a comment might be expressed in any of the following ways:
"Ugh, I'm feeling disappointed hearing you start to say what's not working, because I want to focus on what is going well right now."
"As you start to share, I imagine that you are judging me as not enough and that scares me because I want the security of knowing I am accepted. Can we pause and take a few breaths together first?"
"I'm feeling hopeless because I am thinking that I can never please you and I really want to be a good partner. Could you share three ways I am supporting you this week?"
"I'm feeling defensive because I want to protect my autonomy and your requests sound like demands to me. Can you offer reassurance that you really have space to negotiate?"
"I'm feeling tired and just want to rest and reflect on all the good things that happened today. Could we save this conversation for tomorrow during breakfast?"
Another layer to consider as you reflect on gratitude and requests in your relationship, is "who" is being thankful or asking for more? A reactive you might "should" yourself into gratitude as a way to shut down vulnerable feelings and needs. A reactive you might also have a list of requests that wouldn't show up for a mindful and resourced you. When you don’t have a sense of expansiveness around your request or sense of gratitude, it's helpful to wait a couple of days and practice regulation or receive empathy from someone outside of the situation.
At the center of this practice is your capacity to stand in the validity of your experience and be in a compassionate relationship with it. Another’s reaction or response to your requests neither invalidates nor validates your expression. They are simply expressing their own experience with either less or more resource in the moment.
Practice
Take a moment now to notice if there is something you have been afraid to ask for in your partnership. What would support you in standing in the validity of feelings and needs and making a specific and doable request to potentially open a negotiation?