MCD and “Mental Illness”
Someone recently asked if MCD will help them relate to someone who is mentally ill. Of course this is an incredibly complex question. First, finding a shared definition of mentally ill might prove impossible. For now let’s create an operative definition. Let’s reframe the gem reader's question this way: "How do you connect with someone who's mental/emotional reality seems so different from yours that you struggle to connect?"
This question assumes that you want to connect with this person. Noticing whether you really want to try to connect is an essential first step. If you are not acting from a choice to connect, then you are likely acting from some sense of duty or obligation. Take time to check for a sense of duty or obligation. It may be helpful here to receive empathy from someone you trust as you let yourself express all the “should’s” you have related to this person and receive guesses about your feelings and needs.
If you know you truly want to connect, start first in your own heart and invite a sense of your caring and appreciation for this person. Next, ask yourself what needs you would like to meet in your connection with this person. For example, are you hoping for play, companionship, care, clarity, mutuality, contribution, or empathy? Now let yourself become aware of whether the external and internal resources of you both are that which effectively support these needs being met and cared for in the way and at the level of consistency that is mutually satisfying. This is a place of discernment in which you notice if your hopes match what is possible with this person. If you get a yes, you can now collaborate with them about how you will relate. Otherwise, it might be time to grieve what you had hoped for and reconsider what needs you would like to tend to in this relationship.
Essentially, whatever label you might have for someone it is a shorthand for describing differences between you. The primary practices for encountering differences with others remain the same regardless of the labels attached:
Self-regulation & self-empathy
Continue to check-in. What would you truly be willing to give and receive in any given moment?
Curiosity about the differences - Can you remain loving through them?
Life-Serving Boundaries - You may not have the resources to stay regulated in the face of certain differences (words, behaviors, decisions, etc.). Keep checking with yourself and the other person about what’s truly life-serving for both. Commit to maintaining the conversations, activities, and decisions in which co-regulation and connection is most accessible.
Practice
Take a moment now to reflect on a relationship in which you encounter a challenging amount of differences. What helps you stay regulated and self-connected in this relationship? What needs do you want to tend to with this person? Are there supportive conditions that you want to put in place or maintain?