How to Respond to Requests: Beyond Yes or No
Your partner, friend, or family member is making a request. One part of you wants to say yes and contribute. Another part of you is tracking mutuality in the relationship and wants to make sure things are fair. In this case, you might be tempted to say yes with a sense of defensiveness, saying something like, "Okay, but this is the only time. Next time I want to do something else." Your "yes" is met with a hesitant "thank you" and a forced painful smile. You feel frustrated because you want to contribute, yet it doesn’t seem like you have.
The other person is responding to the tension in your body and in your voice. The nonverbal expressions are more impactful than your words. Your tense "yes" came across as a disconnected "no." It likely took courage for the other person to make a request. When this vulnerability is met with defensiveness, it's painful, jarring, and perhaps confusing for them.
Any time someone expresses something to you from an emotionally vulnerable place, the first thing that person is looking for is simply warmth and empathic presence. That first moment of warmth and empathic presence is essential, especially in intimate relationships. It is more important than whether or not you say yes or no to a particular request. If you want to be able to offer this initial warmth and empathic presence, it means checking in with yourself before responding.
First, notice if you feel any defensiveness and have an impulse to protect your own needs. If this is happening, ask for a few moments to be with your own experience before responding. Checking in with your own experience you might do the following:
Remind yourself that you can just receive another with warmth and empathy, without rushing into a yes or no answer. Empathy is not agreement.
Reassure the defensive parts of you that you can talk about your own needs in this conversation before saying yes or no to the request.
If you choose to say "no" to the request, remind yourself that you can ask for another way to show your love and care besides saying yes to this particular request.
What would all this sound like? Let's imagine the other person says: "I have had a long and stressful day. I wonder if you would go with me when I take the dog to the park tonight. Some companionship would mean a lot to me right now."
You've had a long day too. You want to take a hot bath and read your novel to decompress. You tighten hearing their request, you feel yourself start to scramble to come up with an answer, and then you remember that you don't have to do that right now. You can just be with the other person in their experience. You let yourself relax and turn toward them. You can lean in, offer supportive touch or a smile, and say in a warm tone that naturally arises when you are not pushing yourself to decide, "Oh yeah, I hear ya, it's been a long day and you'd like some company.” This simple reflection helps with regulation for you both.
After the other person has a sense of being received and heard, you can offer what is true for you, "Hmm, I have been looking forward to a hot bath and time with my book to help me decompress. I really don't want to go to the park. I wonder if I take my bath while you are at the park, and then when you get back we could take a half hour or so for a cup of tea out on the deck?" Or, instead of providing this alternative you just ask, “Is there another way I could offer support?”
When much of the world around you is task-oriented, it can be hard to shift your priority to connection when you are with your loved ones. If another is reaching out and you are feeling stressed, you may hear it as another task on your list and move to protect your own needs. When your intimate relationships get filtered through this task-oriented view, disconnect and resentment seep in. With your loved ones you have only one real task—to attend to yourself and them from the heart. Everything else will follow from there.
Practice
This week, pay attention to the transition between work and time at home with your loved ones. During this transition, set the intention to let go of the task oriented mind and drop your attention into your heart. Remind yourself to take the time to receive the other person with warmth, and let a yes or no answer have its own separate space.
