Brief Description of Chronic Reactivity
Have you ever heard someone say, "that's just the way I am," and felt a bit frustrated? Underneath this defensive response there is likely the need for acceptance and at the same time, perhaps buried a little deeper, disappointment at not being able to respond differently. This is a simple example of what we call chronic reactivity. This Connection Gem offers a simple description of chronic reactivity.
Often when you say things like, "that’s just the way I am," you are, in part, referring to a set of habits. Some of these habits were formed in early life and in reaction to a need or set of needs that were consistently unmet. Such habits may have been adaptive then, but not now. We could call these habits reactive habit patterns. They not only influence your behavior, but also your beliefs, body structure, and posture.
There are many popular frameworks that recognize and try to name habit patterns. I have found both the Enneagram, and Character Theory as described by Ron Kurtz very helpful. Ron Kurtz, the founder of Body-Centered Therapy (Hakomi) has developed a framework of eight reactive habit patterns. You can read more about this work in his book, Body-Centered Psychotherapy. At Wise Heart, we have combined Ron’s work with Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD) in our courses on chronic reactivity.
The purpose of identifying and healing chronic reactivity is to help you can find more freedom and flexibility to respond authentically to life.
Seen through the framework of MCD, these habit patterns were formed as an attempt to get needs met in the midst of a challenging environment. In other words, you couldn't be fully authentically you and have your needs met. You had to limit the way you thought and behaved and interacted to that which was most likely to meet particular needs. This limited way of being, practiced over time, becomes a set of unconscious habit patterns that still meets some needs, but does so at the cost of other needs for yourself and the people with whom you interact.
If you have had and continue to have healing and supportive experiences as an adult, these habit patterns loosen and you become more and more authentic and flexible in your response to life. As you gain perspective, you can mindfully see yourself falling into an old habit patterns (e.g. withdrawing, collapsing, thinking you have to do everything on your own, making demands and taking over, making passive-aggressive comments, working hard to be loved, or intensifying emotion, etc.). Observing these patterns with a little distance allows you to turn compassionately toward yourself. From a compassionate perspective you know that these habit patterns came about as a way to meet specific needs. So, you can use them as a signal telling you what needs are alive for you at the moment.
Naming needs empowers you to consciously choose how to meet them in a way that works. For example, if you feel the compulsion to withdraw, you know that means you have a need for safety and soothing. Instead of withdrawing, you can choose to tell others you need a pause and then engage in a regulation strategy.
Practice
This week notice moments when your behavior is driven by fear, anxiety, or compulsion. These moments are marked by a sense of being in a trance and having a narrow perspective. At the end of each day take a few minutes to look over the feelings and needs list and name those that were alive for you in that moment. Ask yourself if there is anything you would like to do to attend to those needs the next day.
