3 Tips for Help with Overwhelm in the face of "Big Personalities"
If you get overwhelmed in the presence of someone whose energy, body, and voice is coming your direction in a way that doesn't work for you, you might hear yourself describe that person as someone with a "big personality." Maybe you find yourself withdrawing, getting smaller, or looking for a way to escape.
The person triggering you, on the other hand, is likely hoping to be met, seen or heard. Thus, you might notice that as you withdraw, they come forward. You then withdraw more and they attempt to bring you forward by getting louder or expressing demands or irritation. If this person is your partner or a family member, you are likely aware of the cost of this cycle of pursuit and withdrawing. For you there are unmet needs for consideration, gentleness, understanding, and peace. For them there are unmet needs for companionship, being seen and heard, and acceptance. Let’s look at three things that can help you change this cycle and maintain self-connection and discernment.
1. Take up space
One way to stay connected to yourself in the face of what you perceive as someone with a big personality is to get big yourself. This doesn't mean yelling or stomping about. It could be as simple as talking more. It doesn’t really matter what you share. The point is simply to take up space. Tell a silly story or joke, or share the mundane details of your dental care. You may be challenged to stretch yourself by giving up your usual subtle and quiet way of sharing. Notice how you feel doing this. Are you able to maintain even a little more self-connection?
2. Set life-serving boundaries moment by moment
Look for little ways to pause action and delay an exchange or redirect the energy. To call a pause you can say their name or use touch if it’s comfortable. For example, when your aunt is visiting and comes into the bedroom and starts talking to you as you are getting dressed, you might say, "Aunt Vivian, I will come out and talk with you after I get dressed. Can you give me a few minutes?"
To redirect the energy in a given moment, you might lean forward and touch their arm and say something like, "I want to be connected and I am losing you. Can I tell you what I heard so far?"
It’s important to not wait for a natural pause. The longer you wait to jump in the more withdrawn you become and the more difficult it will be to set a boundary.
3. Silently guess feelings and needs
If you find yourself overwhelmed and withdrawing, then some part of you is perceiving the other person as a threat. In actuality this person is just trying to meet a need for acceptance, love, belonging, or connection. When you focus on their feelings and needs, you will interrupt your own pattern of reactivity. Even the smallest interruption of a habitual reaction can give you enough time to get grounded. When this person approaches you, immediately give yourself permission to ignore the content of what they are saying so that you can focus on silently guessing their feelings and needs. This will shift you into an expansive state. As you find your center again, you will also be able to decide how you would like to engage. You can decide if you have the energy to contribute to their needs with active listening or sharing of yourself or if you want to take care of needs for peace and ease by redirecting the interaction or setting a life-serving boundary.
All these interventions are based on the principle of radical self-responsibility. This means that you recognize that your judgments about this person as loud, big, or demanding are really a description of your own reactivity, feelings, and unmet needs. When you fully land in the truth that it is your reaction that creates the most suffering, not the other person, you gain incredible access to your own power and agency. You know that you can change and transform yourself and let go of futile efforts to control or change the other person. Rather than depleting your energy by running repetitive inner arguments with the other person, spinning angry judgments in your mind, or trying to avoid them, you can use your energy for self-connection and skillful engagement. You get to choose not only how to manage reactivity, but also how, where, and with whom you invest your energy.
Practice
Take a moment now to reflect on any relationships in your life in which you find yourself, overwhelmed, backing down, or shutting down. Make a plan about what you would like to do to shift this dynamic the next time you are with this person.
