5 Practices for Strengthening Mindfulness in Intimate Relationships

If reactivity takes over, all the skills and knowledge in the world won't help you. The practice of mindfulness, gently and consistently turning your attention to the experience of your body, heart, and mind, gives you an opportunity to work with reactivity before it takes over.  

Bringing mindfulness practice to intimate relationships requires another level of dedication and intention. Intimate relationships can push your buttons with a frequency and intensity that other relationships won't. Thus, staying centered requires extra mindfulness muscle. Here are a few ways you can strengthen your mindfulness muscle: 

1. Set your intention to name the potential for reactivity, before any potentially difficult dialogue.

2. After every dialogue in which reactivity took over, reflect on your experience and answer the following questions:

   • Did I set my intention before that interaction or at least at the beginning of my day?

   • What was the very first sign of reactivity in me that I might have used as a cue to re-center myself?

   • What feelings were present?

   • What needs were present?

   • What hope or request did I have in mind either conscious or unconscious?

   • When would have been the first good moment to call a pause?

   3. Create a phrase or action that reconnects you to your intention. Here are some examples:

   • Connection matters more than being right

   • Love instead of lawyering

   • I can ask for a pause at any time

   • I am reacting; that’s okay, slow down.

   • Actions might include putting your hand on your heart, closing your eyes and taking a long slow breath, or shifting your focus to a beautiful image or nature outside your window.

   4. Make an agreement with the other person that either of you can pause the conversation at any time for a few minutes of grounding. Come up with a signal to pause like closing your eyes, putting your hand on your heart or head, or simply saying “pause.”

   5. For difficult conversations, choose an environment and time that supports mindfulness. A time when you have ample energy and a place that is pleasant, quiet and peaceful where you won't be disturbed.

Strengthening mindfulness requires a certain humility. Habit energy and reactivity are powerful forces, being humble in the face of them means you let go of ideas that you are perfectly skillful and competent, that you are "the one who knows," or the one that can fix things. A lack of humility makes it very difficult to call a pause in a conversation, yet this ability to pause over and over in the midst of dialogue is the very thing that gives rise to the wisdom and compassion you are seeking.

Practice

Review the 5 practices for strengthening mindfulness listed above. Which would you like to focus on in an upcoming dialogue?