Snapshot of Self-Empathy With Challenging Feelings

For everyone there are some feelings that are associated with judgment or punishment. Particular feelings may not have been okay in your family of origin for example, or were systematically discouraged or shamed in your community. When these particular feelings arise in your experience, they may trigger reactivity. Let’s look at an example of that reactivity with the feeling of tiredness, and one possibility for meeting your experience with self-empathy.

You take your usual break in the middle of your work day and notice you feel tired and shaky. Self-criticism suddenly springs into action. You are called into an inner courtroom. One self-critical voice acts as an attorney and begins to address whether it is valid for you to be tired or not. "How many hours have you been working? How much sleep did you have last night? How much have you worked in the last week?" Before this attorney voice can present the whole case, a more aggressive voice interrupts: "Maybe something is wrong with you? You are weaker than others. You're too sensitive."

You feel a familiar dark sinking sensation as these voices go unchecked for three or four minutes (it doesn't take much). But, fortunately, the time you have spent cultivating mindfulness pays off and suddenly you recognize that these are reactive voices. You wake up from a reactive trance and move your attention from listening to them to just feeling the shakiness and the dark feelings the critical voices stimulated.

You find your caring parent voice: "I'm just tired. It's okay to be tired. I don't need to know the reasons or the history. Just to feel it and connect with the needs it is pointing to (rest / food / support) is enough."

Meeting yourself in this way, a lightness replaces the heaviness and you can enjoy the remainder of your day in the midst of the tiredness.

Later on, when you are more resourced, you might decide to offer empathy to the critical voices that had popped up earlier: "Hello critical voices, when I feel that tired in the middle of the day, I am guessing you feel scared because you want to know that I am meeting needs for competency, contribution, and health. I am guessing you are also stirred up by old beliefs that my worth depends on how much I achieve. You forget that I am of a divine whole. Let's look together at what's actually happening. Let's notice if competency, contribution, and health are being met or are threatened by my difficult day today."

At this point you mindfully discern if those needs are being met sufficiently or if they actually do require some sort of action. If action is required, choose some small action that you can take immediately to begin to meet those needs.

As you become familiar with the list of feelings that have been exiled or are associated with judgment, you can begin to offer yourself warmth and care earlier and earlier in the process.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect. Are there particular feelings and needs that you would like to meet with self-empathy? Set your intention now to notice them when they arise and pause to connect with what’s really true in the moment.

You can download a list of feelings and universal needs here.