Practice Emotional Security: Skill 6: Predictably turn towards others with full presence and responsiveness
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 11: Emotional Security, see Skill 1: Using specific neutral observations, share with significant others what emotional security and responsiveness looks like for you, Skill 2: Internally access positive memories and the thought of supportive others in a moment of difficulty, Skill 3: Seek care and comfort from supportive others when faced with difficulty, Skill 4: Engage in regular and consistent activities that support emotional security, and Skill 5: Communicate internal experiences (sensations, feelings, needs, dreams, impulses, energy level) as often as you communicate actions, decisions, stories, information, etc.
Skill 6: Predictably turn towards others with full presence and responsiveness
One of the most important aspects of creating secure relationships is offering presence and responsiveness. This means having space to attend to the experiences of others. When you engage in consistent and effective self-care, you will naturally have this space to attend to the experiences of others.
Presence and responsiveness usually includes the following elements:
Warmth
You feel a sense of caring and warmth for the other person that is naturally expressed through a relaxed face, gentle eye contact, and sometimes physical affection.
Curiosity
You ask questions that help you understand the other person’s experience. You want to know how it was for them.
Empathy
You might use the formal structure of empathy (“Do you feel ___because you need ___?”). If you are not using the formal structure, keep your empathy guesses to one sentence or less.
Here are some examples of colloquial empathy guesses:
“Tired, huh?”
“Was that a tough one?”
“Is it confusing?”
“Stressful?”
“Wishing for more respect?”
“Looking for more collaboration?”
“Is it about fairness?”
“Want some help?”
Celebration
Celebrating another’s success through smiles, hugs, high fives, and guesses at needs met not only contributes to security, but also builds emotional resilience.
Relatedness / Shared Humanity
When needs for acceptance, belonging, and compassion are alive, offering ways you relate to or have had a similar experience may contribute to these needs.
Practice
Set yourself up for success in being able to offer responsiveness. Identify the level of responsiveness you truly want to offer in each of your relationships. Discerning levels of responsiveness includes identifying such variables as:
When, where, how long, and how often you set everything aside to offer your full attention to connection
How often you engage in personal sharing or share an activity
How often and what forms communication takes
How quickly you respond to communication