Saying “no” to a Friendship with Honesty and Compassion
Ever had the experience in which someone wanted to be friends with you and you weren't interested? They kept asking about getting together and you kept making excuses about why you couldn't do it. It feels yucky to answer dishonestly and yet it can be challenging to find words that are both honest and compassionate. Let’s look at three keys to saying “no” with honesty and compassion.
Perhaps the most obvious first step is to identify any judgments of the other person. When you want to say “no” to friendship you likely have a series of judgments. Some common ones might include:
They are too superficial
They don’t have enough emotional attunement skills
They aren’t spiritual
They aren’t intellectual enough
They are a bit boring to be around
They are so uptight
Next, translate these judgments into self-responsible needs language. Here are examples for each judgment above in the same order:
I am looking for a particular type of focus and depth
For me, right now, subtle emotional attunement is central
I am wanting to connect around layers of spirituality born from a lifetime of practice
I am looking for friendships that involve intellectual dialogue regarding…(your favorite topics)
I am looking for friends that I can do sporting adventures with
I am wanting to care being centered and relaxed right now
Lastly, reveal the strategies you have for tending to these needs. When your needs are expressed along with the unique ways you want to care for them, the conversation becomes less about the fear of hurting another’s feelings and more about a clarity of fit between you. Here are examples of one way each of the needs statements above could include detailed strategies:
I am looking for a particular type of focus and depth. For example, I like diving into the nuance of how systemic conditioning from capitalism affects how we perceive ourselves and each other, what we believe and think, and how we make decisions. I am giving my full attention to conversations about transformation and change.
For me, right now, subtle emotional attunement is central. Given that I am in a time of doing intense healing work, I am only spending personal time with those who can offer deep listening and attunement. I want to take care of the extra sensitivity I feel these days.
I want to connect around layers of spirituality born from a lifetime of practice. I am focused on spiritual practice right now and want to share how this practice is evolving and expanding with attention to what we have learned through the years. I am putting my focus in these kinds of friendships right now.
I am looking for friendships that involve intellectual dialogue especially regarding the interplay between economics and systemic trauma and oppression. I am absolutely fascinated by economics and how it plays out on the world stage and in our relationships. I am looking for people who want to dive into this with me.
I am looking for friends with whom I can do sporting adventures. I want to get out and be on my edge with skating, rock climbing, and mountain biking.
I want to be centered and relaxed right now. I have had a stressful year, and so now I am spending a lot of time in quiet contemplation and with friends who can offer a soothing presence.
When you easily welcome a new friend into your life, it’s likely because this new relationship brings care for needs that are not yet fully cared for in your life and in theirs. The particular way you connect with a new friend brings with it a unique form of nourishment that both of you are excited to explore.
When someone is asking for friendship with you and the desire isn’t mutual, they likely see how you could open up something new for them. However, you are not experiencing a spark of a new potential gift either because the relationship doesn’t tend to unmet needs for you or because the way it tends to needs isn’t full or complete and you have those same needs fully cared for with other friendships.
Your honest expression is compassionate when you can be clear that your “no” comes from what’s important to you rather than who the other person is. Because needs are universal, the other person will recognize the importance of them when you express them. Revealing how you want to care for those needs gives them an understanding of your world and the opportunity to see that the differences are in the strategies not in identity or worth.
Practice
Take a few moments to review a couple of friendships that are going well for you. Let yourself have positive judgments about these friends. Then translate these judgments into the needs and strategies present in the friendship that are central to making it a thriving relationship.