Find Space between Needs and Strategies

One of the most empowering concepts presented by Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, is the distinction between universal needs and the strategies to meet them. When you truly understand and trust that any given need can be met in a variety of ways, you experience a whole new level of equanimity, flexibility, and creativity. On the other hand, when you have become attached to a particular strategy for meeting a need, you are likely to have judgmental thoughts about others and what they should do. You might imagine you are stuck, obligated, or trapped. And these thoughts are usually accompanied by feelings of fear, desperation, frustration, and anger.

The most common form of attaching a need or bundle of needs to a strategy is to insist that a particular person is the one who should meet them. This happens most often with people who play important roles in your life like mother, partner, best friend, son, boss, or employee. It's pretty easy to get caught in the idea that those people are supposed to meet certain needs of yours. For example, you might imagine that your partner is supposed to meet your needs for intimacy and support. Your mother is supposed to or should have met your needs for nurturing and unconditional love.

When you are attached to your other idea of what others should do and they don't respond the way you expect, feelings like anger, resentment, anxiety, desperation, or depression often come up. You might find yourself making demands or threats. You might imagine you are in an impossible bind. In some cases, you might carry anger and resentment around for years. For example, you might repeat a thought like, "My dad should apologize for the mistakes he made as a father. He should take responsibility for what he did." You want acceptance and understanding around what happened for you in your childhood and you're attached to those needs being met by your dad. This tragically blocks your capacity to heal.

When you would like someone to meet a particular need and, at the same time, trust that you can meet that need with someone else, you are willing to accept a “no” to your requests. You recognize a “no” that is demonstrated behaviorally even though that person might verbally say “yes.” You allow feelings of grief or disappointment and naturally turn towards a relationship in which those needs can be met.

The more trusted strategies you have to meet a given need, the more you are willing to let go of a preferred strategy such as meeting certain needs with a certain person. In some cases this might mean the dissolution of a partnership or friendship. For example, if you are clear that a thriving partnership for you means lots of play and intimacy and your partner has said “no” to your requests either verbally or behaviorally, you may decide to shift this relationship to a friendship and seek partnership with someone who also wants play and intimacy in a partnership. 

In day to day life, when you have confidence in a variety of strategies for meeting your needs, you experience a sense of grace and adaptability when you receive a “no” to a request in the moment.

You can expand your basket of trusted strategies by consistently noticing when and how your needs are met. When you give more attention to those times when you are feeling content, fulfilled, inspired, or energized, you learn what strategies help you be in alignment with yourself and your life. Begin to ask yourself these questions: 

• What needs were met, and how were they met? 

• If you felt happy after meeting with a friend, examine exactly what transpired. 

  • What did they say, how did they listen, what actions did they take? 

  • What were you saying or doing both internally and externally?

  •  What kind of attitude, state of mind, or attention were you bringing? 

  • What needs were met?

The more aware you are of an abundance of strategies to meet your needs, the more your life will be imbued with a sense of confidence and equanimity.

Practice

Today, notice positive feelings when they arise and connect them to the strategies that met your needs in that moment.