Practice Relationship Repair: Skill 4: Maintain focus on feelings and needs related to the specific stated neutral observation of the behavior that didn’t meet needs
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 10: Relationship Repair, see Skill 1: Distinguish effective repair from common tragic strategies for repair, Skill 2: Engage an effective strategy for working with the four alarms before beginning repair dialogue, and Skill 3: When you notice the impulses or behaviors that involve defending, justifying, or making others wrong/bad, call a pause to engage your anchor.
Skill 4: Maintain focus on feelings and needs related to the specific stated neutral observation of the behavior that didn’t meet needs
As you enter a repair dialogue, past pain from other similar situations will likely arise and also want healing and resolution. A successful repair dialogue addresses only that which arose relative to only one situation at a time.
Here are some things that will help you focus only on the situation at hand:
Remind yourself that establishing a quality of connection is the most important part of repair
Engage in attunement to feelings and needs (whether spoken or unspoken) as a primary strategy for creating connection
Access regulation strategies and anchors throughout the dialogue
If you begin to defend, shut down, feel guilt or shame, or attack the other person, call a pause and engage in self-empathy or seek empathy from someone outside of the situation
Consistently reflect back what you hear the other person say and offer guesses about the feelings and needs present for them
Practice acceptance. Perhaps by repeating something like “This happened and now it is over. We are taking responsibility by repairing.”
Allow grief and mourning
Remind yourself that your feelings and needs are valid
Blame and shame are not a part of the repair process
Orient toward how you will care for the needs identified in future similar situations
Practice
Review a repair dialogue that escalated into reactivity because past pain from multiple situations was brought up. What things from the list above would have been most helpful in keeping that dialogue grounded in the situation at hand?