5 Common Dynamics that Block Connection

When you feel less connected than you would like in a given conversation, it can be helpful to name common interaction patterns that block connection. Here are five to consider watching for:

1. The free association parallel conversation

In this type of conversation there is a quick volley of ideas or stories back and forth and sometimes one person is still talking when the other person begins. The topics change frequently. The content may be neutral or even celebratory. At a party or family gathering this can be connecting, but when it happens consistently in an intimate relationship, it distracts from going deeper and the need to be heard often goes unmet.

2. Educating

Your partner or close friend expresses a difficulty, a curiosity, a story, or an experience and you offer what you know about that topic. When you immediately offer what you know, you miss the opportunity to hear your partner's experience. The simple act of asking a follow up question about what the other person has shared, before sharing your knowledge, builds a sense of trust and mutuality.

3. Venting

Venting is a popular strategy, but not a universal need. Venting is a strategy that may or may not meet your needs for empathy, clarity, companionship, relief, or support. Sometimes venting helps get clarity, and sometimes it just fuels more anger and irritation. Either way, venting without asking the other person if they are willing to hear you often doesn't meet the other’s need for consideration and choice.

If you choose to vent, first identify the need you hope to meet. For example, “I want to vent about what happened at work, because I hope it will help me make sense of what happened (need for clarity).” Then, ask the other person if they would be willing to listen for a couple of minutes.  

4. Correcting misperceptions

You see your loved one upset and hurting and you want to offer comfort or relief. You imagine that if you could correct a misperception they have, the other person will feel better. This might be true with very mild upset. But typically the other will relax more fully by first receiving a reflection of what they shared and a guess about their feelings and needs.

5. Making a case

You make a request and the other person says no. You might be tempted to explain how your request is valid saying things like, "I worked hard so you should..." or, "I went with you last time so you should..." You speak as though you are a lawyer presenting a case. This often stimulates the other person to  present a counter argument. 

Hearing “no” to a request is an opportunity to get curious about the other person’s feelings and needs.

Practice

Take a moment to reflect on which of these dynamics you have experienced recently. What might you have liked to have said or done to shift to a more connecting dynamic?