Two Basics that Support Conflict Resolution

If you have been practicing Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD), you know that this is a radically direct and self-responsible consciousness and skillset. When both parties in a conflict can stay grounded in this consciousness and utilize its skills, conflicts are resolved easily once connection is established.

Unfortunately, you are most likely to find yourself in conflict with someone who doesn’t have experience with MCD, but rather is operating from less helpful approaches to conflict. Such approaches might include: assigning blame, focusing on thoughts and opinions, winning or losing, implementing punishment as a form of accountability, and evaluating the validity of someone’s needs. These tragic approaches to resolving conflict are often deeply habitual and can easily derail attempts at connection and resolution. Exchanges can quickly escalate into attacking, defending, submitting, or shutting down. This can leave you feeling exasperated because you long to be seen for your intention, have your experience heard, find connection, and create a new way forward.

Thus, even when you are grounded in the consciousness and skills of MCD, the other person may still get caught in habits of attacking, defending, submitting, or shutting down. Interrupting tragic habits like these starts before the actual dialogue.

In the long term, every interaction you have with someone has the potential to contribute to security and trust which then supports maintaining more connection when resolving conflict. In the short term, attending to and communicating your intention along with choosing supportive conditions are two basics that support conflict resolution. Let’s look at both of these in more detail.

Your Intention

Because you likely also have conditioning around tragic strategies for resolving conflict, it's essential to check in with your intention before beginning a potentially difficult dialogue. From the framework of MCD the intention is always to connect, whether just with yourself or with yourself and the other person. Connection is the foundation from which care and creativity flow.

Ask yourself if you genuinely want to connect with the other person and hear their feelings. If the answer is no, this means that reactivity is present in you or that you are not confident that you can take care of your own needs in the dialogue. Set aside time for self-empathy or receiving empathy from someone outside the situation. Dissolving reactivity fundamentally requires a willingness and ability to be with the grief, fear, and/or pain that's alive for you in the current situation and a confidence that you can care for what’s most important.

Conditions

It's obvious, but easy to forget, how important it is to only have a difficult conversations when both people are resourced with regard to basic needs like rest, food, peace, and comfort. Choosing a time when you are both rested, fed, and have a sense of spaciousness is primary. 

Secondarily, if you are able to create even a little connection before initiating the dialogue, this will help you both move from a possible place of threat to a sense of security. Look for opportunities to connect around little things. This is the purpose of chatting about innocuous subjects like the weather. It builds a little rapport and offers a sense of friendliness.

When you are ready to begin the dialogue, start with stating your intention and offering reassurance that you care about their feelings and needs and want to find something that works for both of you. You might also let them know that one thing you do to stay connected is repeat what you hear and ask the other person to do the same.

Throughout the process of preparing for and entering a challenging dialogue, it’s important to maintain the distinction between doing the best you can to create supportive conditions, and managing someone else’s reactivity. The purpose of your efforts is to care for yourself and the space, how the other person responds to your efforts is out of your hands. All you can do is be grounded in your intention, share that intention, and initiate a difficult conversation in supportive conditions. If you get caught up in the idea that, "If I only I express myself in some certain way, I won't trigger the other person,” you become exhausted and resentful. You are not responsible for another’s reactivity. It is up to them to get the support they need, so that they can show up in a grounded empathic way.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a difficult conversation that you have been wanting to have with someone. Check in with your intention and needs for empathy before you initiate that dialogue.