Authenticity and Implicit Agreements in Your Family of Origin

In your family of origin, you grew up with an implicit set of agreements about what to share, how to communicate, what to keep hidden, and how to behave. Now, as an adult, so much has changed. Your ability to choose to live from your values continues to evolve as you become more authentic and expansive in your life. You long to bring this “you” into your family of origin. You know that when you can show up more fully with them, you enjoy yourself more and you make space for a change in family dynamics.

Let's look at three things to consider as you set your intention to live into this new you in the context of your family of origin: 

1. Clearly identify limiting implicit agreements 

2.  Identify what you would like to do instead

3. Set up situations that support a new way of interacting.

1. Clearly identify limiting implicit agreements

Review a recent family gathering, major anniversary of a death in the family, a birthday, or life event. What implicit agreements were operating among you in that situation? Depending on what you are reflecting upon, the following questions might help you locate implicit limiting agreements:

• What conversations are familiar or typical? 

• What beliefs or values do these conversations arise from? 

• What do you avoid?

• What strategies are engaged to maintain harmony or comfort?

• Do any of the following common implicit limiting family agreements sound familiar?

  • We will avoid any topic that may bring up sadness or distress.

  • We will each express self-criticism aloud in order not to seem better than someone else.

  • We will change the topic if something sensitive comes up.

  • We will focus on a particular member of the family and try to help them improve or get their act together.

  • We will complain about something as a way to connect.

  • We will revisit favorite themes about things we believe we should do like lose weight, work harder, be more compassionate, etc.

2. Identify what you would like to do instead

Given the habits and limiting agreements you identified, set your intention to do something different in the next family gathering. It could be something very simple. For example, perhaps you set your intention to only share a complaint if you can also share the action you will take with regards to that situation. 

Or, perhaps you take on a more difficult challenge like how to express emotion in your family. For example, imagine it is the one year anniversary of your father’s death and you notice that none of your siblings are naming it. You might take the risk to be the one to name it and express grief. You decide to share with your siblings how you are handling your grief. Avoiding expression of certain emotions often occurs because of a lack of clarity about how to be present for them without sliding into reactivity. You can model a new way of being with emotions for your family.

3. Set up situations that support a new way of interacting

When you interact with your family in the same type of environment and activity over the years, they become a cue to engage in a habitual way. Finding creative new ways to spend time together can facilitate new ways of connecting and bring forward parts of you that your family might not otherwise know or see. Even if you imagine everyone will say “no,” take the risk to propose something new.

Regardless of how much you have in common with or get along with your family of origin, there is a bond there that asks to be tended whether directly or indirectly. And though it might not always seem true, in their heart of hearts each family member wants the fulfillment of belonging and resting into a level of authenticity and acceptance that is a given for all.

Practice

Take a moment now and identify what you are willing to do differently next time you interact with a member of your family of origin.