What are Requests and How Do They Work
Everything we teach at Wise Heart arises from the deep intention to contribute to a thriving and compassionate global community. Requests are one way to demonstrate responsibility for wise and compassionate collaboration.
Requests are expressions of strategies we think might help us meet our needs. Often you may think you are making a request when you are actually expressing a need or even a vague wish. You might ask another for support in this way, “Can’t you see I’m tired and need some help?” While the speaker in this example is expressing a feeling (tired) and a need (help), there is no direct request and there is a subtle criticism (“Can’t you see…).
Making a request is asking yourself to take full responsibility for your needs. The attitude of responsibility is one thing that distinguishes a request from a demand. When you accept responsibility for your needs rather than resentfully expecting others to meet them in particular ways, you can also accept hearing ‘no’ to a request. “Can’t you see I’m tired and need some help?” implies a sense of expectation on the surface and, of course, a longing to be seen underneath. It’s easy to get caught in demand energy when you push yourself to your limits. When, on the other hand, you gain skills about how to meet your needs consistently and in a variety of ways, making requests and hearing ‘no’ gets easier.
Making requests requires the self-awareness and vulnerability of sharing a feeling and/or a need. For most folks, this is difficult. Learning to honor yourself and your needs gives you the confidence to express this vulnerability. When the speaker above says “Can’t you see…”, she is likely attempting to manage the vulnerability she feels in expressing her tiredness and need for help.
A true request describes a very specific action that’s doable. This means that it is something a camera could record. In our example above, the speaker might say, “ I’m feeling tired and need help, would you be willing to put the kids to bed tonight?” Here are a couple more examples. “Be more supportive.” is not a doable request. You might instead say, “When I think about this new job, I feel stressed out and need support. Would you be willing to tell me what you think will go well for me with this job?” “Trust me,” is not a doable request. You might say instead, “When I hear you say that you are not willing to tell me what happened, I feel sad because I want trust in our relationship. Would you be willing to tell me one thing I could do to build trust between us?”
We can divide requests into two basic categories: connecting requests and action requests. A connecting request is one that checks for understanding and connection to what was just said. It allows a dialogue to move to a deeper level of connection and clarity. There are two types of connecting requests. The first is to check if the message you sent was the message that was received. I call this the relationship saving request. It prevents arguments before they get started and just makes life a whole lot easier. The important thing to remember is that this is not a test. You are not in school where questions are used to test your learning or see if you were paying attention. The only purpose is to create shared understanding and connection. If the other person says they can’t say back what they heard, simply offer your expression again along with reassurance that you are not testing them but simply want to connect. Here are some examples of connecting requests that check for understanding:
“Can you tell me what you heard me say?”
“I’m wondering what you’re getting from what I said?”
“I’m not sure I was clear. Could you feed that back to me?”
“Would you be willing to say what you understood about what I just said?”
“What were you hearing there?”
“What landed for you about what I said?”
“What makes sense to you about what I’m saying?”
You can also deepen connection by asking about the other person’s experience of what you shared. This is the second type of connecting request. Be careful here about what you are asking for and whether you believe the answer would contribute to connection. For example, if you ask, “What do you think about what I just said?” you might get an earful of judgments and opinions which won’t create much connection. Here are some examples of connecting requests that explore the other person’s experience:
“What comes up for you when you hear me say that?”
“I’m wondering what you’re feeling hearing that?”
“How’s what I’m saying landing for you?”
“What’s going on with you when you hear me say that?”
“What does that bring up for you?”
“What feelings and needs come up for you hearing what I said?”
Connecting requests create an open-hearted space for action requests to arise naturally. Connecting requests come before action requests because they direct care and attention to all needs present. They are especially useful when a dialogue is charged with reactivity and intense emotions.
When you have a sense of connection to each person’s needs, you are ready for action requests. An action request is a call for action to address the needs present. We often make requests based on what we are most familiar with, rather than what really addresses the needs in the moment. The request you had in mind when you started the conversation may change depending on the needs that come alive in the dialogue. Specific and doable action requests answer most of the following questions: When? Where? How long? How often? Who? What? How much?
Three central elements of the capacity to make requests include:
You are able to value and identify your needs while considering the needs of the other person in a given situation.
You can propose a specific and doable strategy for meeting a particular need to begin a negotiation.
You can consider multiple strategies to meet a given need and can therefore respect another’s autonomy, hear ‘no’ to a specific request, and then engage in needs-based negotiation.
Learning to make requests is a process of integrating a level of awareness and skill that empowers you and those around you.
Practice
Take a moment now to review a time when you either went along with something you didn’t enjoy or simply opted out rather than making a request. Identify the needs that were alive for you at the time and one simple request you might have made to open a dialogue.