A Couple of Basics Regarding Attunement and Repair

Ruptures in connection are a part of every relationship. With consistent attunement, you can attend to these ruptures early and often. Attunement can be described in a number of ways. It could include: 

• offering care for a present need

• consistently acknowledge each other's experience with a warm verbal or nonverbal expression

• a simple "uh-huh," eye contact, and a smile

• affectionate touch

• noticing a physical detail (like a new haircut)

• a question about or verbal reflection of what was said

• a guess at feelings and needs

• synchronized movement, or an emotional/energetic resonance

Consistent attunement helps establish emotional security in any relationship. This, in turn, engenders an easier acceptance of differences in which you both have space to be authentic and to follow your unique interests, without it being perceived as a threat to the relationship.

Even though you are committed to being attuned in your relationships, attunement failures are bound to happen. Let’s look at an example and how a simple repair might play out. For example, imagine you have had a stressful day at work and you are on an evening walk with someone close to you. The other person begins to share something vulnerable and suddenly you are distracted by your dislike of a construction project in your neighborhood and make a comment about it. For the other person, there might be feelings of hurt, loneliness, or confusion in the moment along with a wish for care and being heard. If you both ignore this attunement failure, there will be a negative impact on trust and emotional security.

Repair in the example above might sound like this: "Hey, I just got distracted and cut you off. I'm sorry. Hearing you is important to me. I'm listening, would you be willing to try again?"

Just like attunement, repair can take many forms. It might look like a few seconds of a warm smile, an acknowledgement of grumpiness, an expression of appreciation, an extended time of empathy and honest expression, affection, or acts of service.

Being able to repair small or large attunement failures builds trust. With consistent naming of ruptures followed by repair, you begin to trust that your relationships can weather conflict and you will find grace and confidence in the midst of a rupture. 

Practice

This week, pay special attention to how you are already attuning in your close relationships. Are you offering verbal reflection, curiosity, anticipating a need of theirs, guessing a feeling? What else?