Practice Relationship Repair: Skill 5: Express caring and associated feelings like regret, warmth, etc. when your behavior doesn’t meet needs

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 10: Relationship Repair, see Skill 1: Distinguish effective repair from common tragic strategies for repair, Skill 2: Engage an effective strategy for working with the four alarms before beginning repair dialogue, Skill 3: When you notice the impulses or behaviors that involve defending, justifying, or making others wrong/bad, call a pause to engage your anchor, and Skill 4: Maintain focus on feelings and needs related to the specific stated neutral observation of the behavior that didn’t meet needs

Skill 5: Express caring and associated feelings like regret, warmth, etc. when your behavior doesn’t meet needs

The traditional expression of “I’m sorry” has the potential to contribute to repair, if you are able to maintain the consciousness of connection rather than assigning right and wrong. However, sometimes the words “I’m sorry” are associated with punishment, guilt, or shame. You might be able to stay more grounded in self-compassion using words and phrases like:

• Thinking about what I did and seeing the effect on you, I feel regret because I want to contribute

• I really regret what happened and I want to do it differently next time

• I care about how my actions affect you

• I didn’t intend to affect you this way and I regret that you didn’t receive the care you wanted

The key to offering an apology that supports connection is to stay grounded in the intention to express caring, create repair, and build trust. From this place in yourself, you are not wrong or bad for having acted in a way that didn’t meet needs for yourself and another.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on how you want to express an apology. What is authentic for you and also helps you to stay grounded in your own goodness?