Practice Managing Reactivity: Skill 4: Name the differences between useful feedback regarding unmet needs, and blame or judgment

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 6: Managing Reactivity, see Skill 1: Engage an “anchor” or any regulation strategy when you notice reactivity, Skill 2: Identify at least three interpersonal de-escalation strategies, and Skill 3: Shift to empathy, self-empathy, or honesty the moment reactivity is identified.

Skill 4: Name the differences between useful feedback regarding unmet needs, and blame or judgment

Blame, judgment, criticism

  • Spoken from the pain of the unmet need

  • Expressed without regard to another’s person’s ability to listen or the impact it will have on them

  • Often unable to name what is working in a given situation

  • Expresses labels, adjectives, and generalizations

  • Most often expresses frustration, irritation, impatience, or anger

  • Doesn’t name needs.

Feedback or Information about Unmet Needs

  • Given from the energy of the need

  • Offered at a time the other person says yes to listening

  • Feedback about needs met is given five times as often

  • Describes specific observable behaviors

  • Expresses only 2-3 feelings at a time.

  • Expresses only 2-3 needs at time

  • Immediately connects needs to specific and doable requests


Practice

Take a moment now to think of the last time you offered someone feedback. Which of the characteristics of feedback were present? Which would you like to add?

Now examine a moment that you expressed blame, judgment, or criticism. How might you translate that into feedback relative to the characteristics listed above.

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Autonomy & Intimacy as "Tender" Needs

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Understanding and Recognizing Enmeshment