Is Love a feeling or a Need?
Love can be a confusing word in that its uses vary widely. Perhaps most often it is used as a desire and feeling. When you say to someone, “I love you,” you are likely noticing a sense of warmth filling your heart and a desire to seek closeness and offer care. There is an additional way to understand and use the word love.
In the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, we use the list of universal needs as created by Marshall Rosenberg. We can understand universal needs as life-serving energies. When we care for and exchange these life-serving energies, we thrive. Love is on this list of universal needs. When we understand love as a universal need or life-serving energy, we ask new questions.
If love is a need, it inspires curiosity about how and what you can offer that helps someone connect to and be nourished by this life-serving energy. It may be easier however, to start by asking this question of yourself. Reflect on when you felt the greatest sense of love.
Ask yourself the following questions to discover what helps you to be in love:
What were you thinking and believing about yourself at that moment? About the Divine, the other person, animal, or environment?
Were your physical surroundings supportive? If so, what exactly can you name about the physical environment that was supportive?
Were you enjoying a particular spiritual connection with nature and other windows into the Divine?
If another person was “loving you” in a way you could receive, what exactly were they doing or saying that helped give you access to love? Was it a facial expression, tone of voice, form of affection, a way of seeing you, an appreciation, an offering of service, or a special gift?
How were you focusing that helped allow and maintain that connection to love? For example, were you particularly relaxed, embodied, in a sense of safety or trust, or a state of surrender?
You can bring this awareness of love into your relationships by celebrating aloud moments when you are truly receiving love and naming exactly what is supporting this experience. It might sound as simple as, “Wow, I really have a sense of your love for me when you tell me you will be there for me no matter what decision I make regarding this.”
You can also attune to others in your life and make a guess when you believe they are connecting to your love for them. For example, you might offer, “I see your smile and imagine you are feeling my love for you right now, yeah?” In this way, you learn about another’s love language and, from the generosity of your autonomous heart, can continue to offer your love in a way that truly lands for them.
Practice
Set your intention now, to celebrate aloud at least one time when you are connecting to love or one time when you believe someone is receiving the love you offer.
*For more on Life-Serving Boundaries, check out our book HERE.