Anchor Conflict in Specifics

One of the foundations of MCD (Mindful Compassionate Dialogue) is that it is meant to focus on present-moment experience. However, keeping your mind focused in the present isn't easy. If you have ever tried focusing on your breath in meditation, you have likely noticed that your mind wanders frequently. It races into the imagined future and perceived past, trying to meet all your needs by planning, problem solving, fantasizing, analyzing, and evaluating.

This undirected mind can trigger a lot of havoc and pain. As a result, in a moment of hurt, instead of staying with present experience, you likely find yourself  judging, analyzing, and making assumptions.

To offer an example, let’s consider this dialogue between partners Adrian and Alex: 

[Adrian wakes up to find Alex sleeping on the couch.]

Adrian: “What’s going on? Why didn’t you come to bed last night?”

Alex: “You just don't love me like I need to be loved.”

Adrian: “What?!”

Alex: “I need to be appreciated and desired. I don't know if this relationship is going to work. I am angry with myself for trying.” (Starts to sob).

Adrian: (Seeing Alex express so much pain triggers disconnect for Adrian and this gets expressed through an evaluation statement). “Maybe this relationship isn't right for us.” 

Alex: (Even though Alex said something similar a moment before, it stings to hear Adrian say this. Alex expresses pain through a judgment). “You just want to escape and find a relationship that is always happy!”

In this dialogue, Alex starts by presenting vague wishes/demands that aren't connected to a specific event or request. Hearing these vague wishes/demands, Adrian is triggered and then makes a vague evaluation about the potential of the relationship. This further triggers Alex, who continues the cycle of disconnect with a judgment of Adrian.

To help with connection, Alex might instead start by offering specifics about the original trigger. This usually involves an external observation (What happened that a camera could record?) and an internal observation (What did Alex interpret about what happened?).

With this awareness, Alex might start a dialogue that sounds like this:

Alex: “Last night, when we went to bed and you fell asleep within a couple of minutes, I interpreted that you had lost interest in me and didn't find me attractive. So, I'm feeling triggered and need clarity and reassurance. What was going on for you last night?”

If Alex had woken Adrian moments after it transpired, and Adrian could hear Alex's needs for clarity and reassurance, the whole situation might have been resolved in three minutes. (Assuming, of course, Adrian was indeed just tired and still did love and care for Alex).

Similarly, within the first dialogue, Adrian could also help bring the conversation back to specifics. They could respond to Alex's first statement with empathy, and then offer honest expression and a request. It might sound like this:

Alex: “You just don't love me like I need to be loved.”

Adrian: “Sounds like you are really hurting?”

Alex: “Yes, I need to be appreciated and desired. I don't know if this relationship is going to work.”

Adrian: “Hearing that, I am feeling concerned and want to understand. Could you tell me what triggered the hurt you're feeling?”

Alex: “You just went right to sleep last night!”

Adrian: “And did you have a thought about what that meant?”

Alex: “Yes, that you don't desire me.”

Adrian: “Yeah, really painful to imagine that, huh.” (Alex nods). “Would you be willing to hear what was really going on for me then and how I feel about you?”

When in a mindset that is grounded in present moment consciousness, Adrian is able to recognize Alex’s words as an expression of pain. Because of this, Adrian is less reactive and can offer empathy. Noticing that Alex hadn't offered a specific observation, Adrian asks for that and anchors the conversation around a specific event.

Practice

This week, watch your mind each time you have a reaction to something. Notice if you start to judge, analyze, or interpret. Then bring your mind back to awareness of the sensation around the trigger and the trigger itself. Can you name the specific moment or action that triggered you? Can you do so without following stories of what it might mean? After naming the specific moment, ask yourself what needs are alive for you. What specific requests could you make to meet those needs?