3 Key Communication Principles

You have good intentions, but sometimes communication hits roadblocks again and again. These roadblocks are often related to one of the following three key communication principles:  

1)  Choiceful for listening  

2)  Attunement  

3)  Awareness of impact and being heard

Choiceful Listening

Checking if someone is a willing listener meets needs for honor, choice, and effectiveness.  When you ask someone if they are willing to listen before you share something, you honor yourself.  Essentially you are saying, "I honor my own sharing by making sure it can be received."  You also honor the other person's choice.  In addition, when someone experiences respect for their choice, they can offer a greater quality of listening which then makes communication more effective.  

Often context answers the question of whether someone is a willing listener.  A quiet dinner with someone, for example, usually implies a desire for mutual conversation.  In less clear situations, taking fifteen seconds to ask if someone is willing to hear you is definitely worth the effort.  Some common situations in which explicitly asking for listening is particularly helpful include; transitions, approaching someone who's already engaged in a task of their own, when you are expecting a certain kind of response, when you are about to share something vulnerable, complex, or tender, or when you are giving sensitive feedback.

Attunement

In attachment research attunement specifically refers to attending to someone for the purpose of offering care. Used more broadly, attunement in communication can be thought of as attending to a level of communication beyond words.  You are doing this unconsciously all the time. You read body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc., continuously. The task here is to make this a conscious process. You can make this process more conscious by asking the following questions either of yourself or someone else (silently or aloud):

• What is the purpose of the communication? In other words, what kind of response is expected?  What needs are up?  The most common mishap to occur here is that one person shares a difficulty and is looking for empathy in return, but instead receives problem-solving or advice.

• In what channel of experience is the communication occurring?  Are you or the other person coming from a mental, physical, emotional or spiritual place?  Most people have a default channel in which they focus most often. For example, if you are most often focused on the emotional aspect of an experience and your partner is most often focused on the mental aspect, the two of you may experience a sense of missing each other again and again.  For instance, if you are excited to celebrate a promotion at work, and your partner responds with a list of practical questions about how your new role at work will impact the family, you will experience misattunement.

Awareness of Impact & Being Heard

A common assumption is that the message sent is the message that is received.  When you depend too much on this assumption, you are less likely to attend to what is happening with the other person as you share something. You don't see that the other person looked away while you spoke. You don't see the emotion on their face. Both of these could be indicators that your message didn't land as you intended.  When you miss these cues, you not only aren't being heard, if you keep talking, you might also trigger more disconnect.

You might have the habit of checking if you were heard by asking, "Does that make sense?"  For simple things this might be fine. For complex or emotional content, this isn't usually enough. If the other person says yes, you still don't know what they heard. It's more effective to ask specific questions about how your communication was received.  For example:

• How did that land for you?

• What comes up for you when I say that?

• I am not sure I am clear, could tell me what you're getting from what I'm saying?

• Could you tell me what you heard?  

Ask one of these questions after sharing for two minutes or less.  When you can’t share a little at a time, you might be too reactive to connect. If you believe the other person is not willing to honor your experience, you might ramp up your communication with more words or a louder tone. This is a sign that you need to pause and get grounded and decide if it’s really a good time to communicate.

If you are experiencing difficulty, it's helpful to reflect on your communication using these three principles.  You may find that one area needs more of your attention and mindfulness.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a relationship in which communication is going well.  Find a successful example of each of the three key principles named above.