Practice Relationship Repair: Skill 6: Commit to new specific and doable actions to prevent disconnect in future similar situations
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 10: Relationship Repair, see Skill 1: Distinguish effective repair from common tragic strategies for repair, Skill 2: Engage an effective strategy for working with the four alarms before beginning repair dialogue, Skill 3: When you notice the impulses or behaviors that involve defending, justifying, or making others wrong/bad, call a pause to engage your anchor, Skill 4: Maintain focus on feelings and needs related to the specific stated neutral observation of the behavior that didn’t meet needs, and Skill 5: Express caring and associated feelings like regret, warmth, etc. when your behavior doesn’t meet needs.
Skill 6: Commit to new specific and doable actions to prevent disconnect in future similar situations
When you have found mutual care and connection regarding each other’s feelings and needs, you can begin brainstorming and negotiating requests to help care for needs in a future similar situation.
You know you are ready for this step when you experience a sense of mutual care and respect, and have hope regarding a new way forward. Here are some important things to remember about committing to new actions and making requests.
Requests are an invitation for dialogue. They are a call to action to meet one or more needs.
Requests initiate needs-based negotiation.
Requests are specific and doable, and therefore answer most of these questions: What? When? Where? Who? How long? How often?
To support the process of brainstorming and negotiating requests attend to the following:
Invite authenticity —“I am interested in hearing what’s true for you.”
Offer emotional safety — “I feel grounded and non-reactive, I am looking for what really works for both of us.”
Show a willingness to negotiate — “My request is just one idea, I am open to hearing others.”
Cheerlead autonomy and differentiation — “I really care about you making a choice that’s right for you.” “I’m clear that this need is important for me right now.”
Explicitly connect the request to needs — “I am looking for clarity. Would you be willing to share what needs you hope to meet with that request?”
Agree upon one or two requests to follow through with and identify the exact specific and doable elements of each request: What? When? Where? Who? How long? How often?
Set up a time or strategy for checking in about the agreement you made and whether it has been effective or not.
Practice
Identify a successful agreement you made at the end of a repair dialogue. Which of the elements above helped you to create that agreement?