Needs: How to Recognize Reactivity or Confidence

Everyone has the same needs, but relates to them differently.  Because of this, it sometimes seems like others have certain needs in greater or lesser quantities than you.  Or, that you don’t have particular needs. The appearance of having more or less of a need depends on how you learned to relate to that need in community and family of origin. Your experiences may have resulted in confidence, ambivalence, or disconnect regarding a particular need. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll describe relationship to needs in these three ways. Let’s look at basic definitions:

1) Supportive: a need was consistently met in a loving and supportive way in at least one significant relationship. When this is true, you have confidence about meeting this need. You are more likely to be able to negotiate with others to meet it in creative ways.

2) Ambivalent: the need was inconsistently met, and may have been associated with judgment or emotional volatility. When this need is up, you are more likely to experience reactivity. You might be rigid with your strategies to meet it or avoid situations in which it might come up. 

3) Disconnected: attempts to meet the need were actively discouraged and you learned to, at least partially, shut down your connection to it. Being shut down around a particular need is usually more difficult to notice. You might claim you don’t have this need or you might resent others when they ask for this need to be met.

Let's look at examples of each of these, using the needs for autonomy and intimacy.

Autonomy

1) Supportive relationship to autonomy - confidence

If you were consistently supported in expressing independence and choice growing up, then you likely stay connected to your autonomy in a variety of circumstances. You are able to say no to requests from others, or to negotiate. You are comfortable joining groups and relating to authority figures because you remember that you have a choice about how and when to engage. You are likely to take your time and consider carefully what will work for you and what won't before making a commitment. Requests from others are perceived as information or opportunities to collaborate.

2) Ambivalent relationship to autonomy - reactivity

If your relationship to autonomy was ambivalent, inconsistently supported, ignored, or suppressed growing up, you easily perceive a threat to autonomy. You might often imagine that you have no choice. You might hear yourself say things like the following: 

• I am trapped

• I have to...

• Others make too many demands on me

• You want too much of me

• I have no choice

It may seem like the world is full of people pressuring you into doing things. You might swing back and forth between habitually going along with others and habitually resisting. You might avoid negotiating decisions with others. You might perceive collaboration as an inconvenience or an obstacle to getting what you want.

3) Disconnected relationship to autonomy - reactivity

If your autonomy was frequently not allowed or actively discouraged growing up, you might have become disconnected from it. You might find yourself unable to say no in the face of a request. Setting boundaries might be an almost incomprehensible concept. You may feel like you are living someone else's life rather than your own. Or, perhaps you isolate yourself from others as a strategy to protect autonomy. You tend to make your decisions based on what you think you should do rather than what is in your heart. Depression or anger might come up frequently.

Intimacy

1) Supportive relationship to intimacy - confidence

If you had a consistent loving bond with a caregiver growing up (healthy attachment), you likely enjoy and trust intimacy. Your need for intimacy is met easily and often because you trust that connection with others will be positive. When a partner or someone close to you goes away for a trip, you can maintain a sense of secure connection to them. 

You are able to talk with someone you are close to about your relationship with them, and what it might need to maintain security and care. You are able to invest in time alone or with others without fear of threatening the security of a particular relationship. You are able to communicate and negotiate around needs for yourself and others.

2) Ambivalent relationship to intimacy - reactivity

If intimacy was sometimes met with warmth and other times associated with violation or neglect, you likely have an ambivalent relationship to it. When others reach out to you, it may be difficult to trust that the connection will be positive or nourishing. You may let yourself get intimate with someone and then suddenly find yourself numbing out or wanting to get away. You may find yourself wanting to meet your need for intimacy only with one person whom you have learned to trust. You might experience a chronic sense of loneliness or isolation. You might struggle to communicate about a relationship itself, but instead resort to criticism or demands. Emotional security seems to come and go.

3) Disconnected relationship to intimacy - reactivity

If, as a child, when you approached a caregiver for closeness and they were consistently unavailable or shamed you (for example, "Big girls don't need to sit with Mommy."), you have likely shut down around your need for intimacy. You might often prefer being alone. The pleasure others take in snuggling and being close may seem strange to you. You may have a sense that you don't belong, that you were born on the wrong planet. You might often have critical thoughts of others and why they aren’t good enough to establish connection with. You might experience frequent depression. 

In general, for people who have either a supportive or disconnected relationship to a need, it may appear that they have less of that need. Those with a supportive relationship to a need meet that need consistently, thus it doesn't come up often in conversation. Those with a disconnected relationship to a need fail to recognize when the need is up, thus it doesn't come up much in conversation.

For people in an ambivalent relationship to a need, it may appear that they have more of that need. Their inner conflict is often indirectly revealed through complaints or arguments.

Once you understand your relationship to a particular need you can direct your attention toward healing interventions. Healing your relationship to a particular need might take a variety of forms. You might bring it to your therapist. You might observe how someone you admire meets that need. You might focus on a relationship in which you feel safe talking about and making requests regarding that need. In essence, consistent conscious experiences of having that need met will eventually heal your relationship to that need. 

Practice

Use the following practice to identify needs that require your healing attention:

Choose a time span, perhaps a week or a month, and commit to recording each experience you have of reactivity.  Identify the underlying needs alive for you each time. Once you have four or five instances of reactivity, you will likely notice a pattern. The same one or two needs are present each time. These are needs that require your healing attention.