Allowing and Repair
Repairing a rupture in connection with someone can be a delicate and difficult process. Often both people are struggling with some form of reactivity. One of the most useful things you can do is offer allowing* for differences in the process of repair. This doesn't mean avoiding accountability or abandoning your needs.
Allowing means staying true to your needs, while meeting differences with curiosity. Often this is accompanied by a relaxed body and soft open facial expression. This isn't always easy. You likely have strong preferences about how you want your needs met. You would like the other person to do or say something specific, especially when you are hurting.
For example, you might have attached repair to the words, "I'm sorry." You might want those words to be immediate. This kind of attachment to your idea of how it should go, can be an obstacle to repair. For example, you might insist that the other person say "I'm sorry" and then find it doesn’t sound authentic. These kinds of dilemmas can often be avoided with more allowing.
Here are some concrete examples of what allowing might look like during the repair process:
Allow time in between sharing and response. This might be a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days.
Allow the other person to find words that are authentic for them.
Allow a difference in perspective or memory of the same event.
Allow the other person to engage in self-empathy or empathy from another to help with guilt, shame, or defensiveness.
Allow a variety of strategies for repair such as; affection, facial expression, tone of voice, supportive action, or a change in behavior.
The more you trust yourself to remain true to your own self-care and integrity, the easier it will become to allow differences.
Practice
Take a moment now to name one idea or expectation you are holding on to as the right way to approach repair. What need are you hoping to meet with that strategy? What other ways have you had that need met?
*I highly recommend a book by David Richo called "How to be an Adult in Relationship" in which he talks about allowing as one of the five "A's" of a healthy relationship.