How to Make Requests in the Face of Criticism
An effective request contains an action that is specific and doable. When something you don't like is coming your way, it’s common to want to remove it quickly. For example, if someone close to you tells you that they don’t like your behavior, you might be inclined to say, "Stop criticizing me!" in an attempt to disengage from the uncomfortable interaction. Unfortunately, this reaction doesn’t address the underlying issue, nor does it give a new way forward. Without a specific and doable request, the dialogue will either escalate into reactivity or stall out only to come up later in a similar way.
Ann, a student in one of my classes, described a family dinner in which her mother said something like, "People who voted for David Singer are idiots." Everyone at the table was aware that only Ann had voted for David Singer, so it left her feeling hurt and needing acceptance. We worked on a role-play for her to connect to her mom around this.
It was easy to come up with a number of "don't" requests: “Don't criticize my views. Don't talk about politics at the dinner table. Don't judge me. Don't point me out in front of the family.”
Vague invitations were also suggested: “Be more considerate. Think how I might feel when you say that. Respect my views.”
None of these are specific and doable requests.
In the end, Ann came up with something like this: "Mom, when you said, 'People who voted for David Singer are idiots,' at dinner last night, I felt hurt and disappointed because I want connection. Would you be willing to say which issues you disagree with when we talk about politics, rather than labeling the voters?"
Ann could have also used a connecting request: "Mom, when you said, 'People who voted for John Kerry are idiots,' at dinner last night, I felt hurt and disappointed because I want acceptance. Would you be willing to tell me what was going on for you when you said that?"
You might be wondering why Ann didn't express needs like “consideration” and “respect” rather than connection. There are a couple of reasons. One, “respect” is a word that is often used in the context of accusation, so it often triggers reactivity. Two, Ann's deeper needs are really for acceptance and connection. Hearing these deeper needs, her mom is more likely to soften and open her heart to Ann. When the heart softens and opens, “having to be right” drops away.
Practice
Think about some vague wishes or "don't" requests you have heard yourself say recently. Take a moment to come up with a doable request for each. Consider the guidelines below for an effective request:
Requests are immediately preceded by a universal need. For example, “I’m needing support. Would you be willing to…[xyz]?”
Requests are specific and doable. It is an action someone can take at a specific time or when a specific event arises. This means that it is something a camera could record visually, through audio, or both. Phrases like, "Be more supportive," "Be nicer to me,” or "Trust me," are not doable requests because they are not specific enough.
A request is something the other person can say "no" to without fear of punishment, withdrawal of affection, guilt tripping, or judgment. In other words, it is not a demand.