Simple Repair for Small Ruptures
Relationships thrive when small ruptures are repaired immediately and effectively.
A student of mine, Ignacio, made this comment, "When I have done something that my partner feels hurt over, what seems to help the most is repeating to her exactly what she said I did and how it affected her." Ignacio shows a willingness to be with her experience without having to defend or explain. This transmits compassion and care. His partner hears that he has understood her experience and how his behavior was a trigger. With this non-defensive response, it will be much easier for her to offer curiosity and compassion regarding his experience.
To complete this conversation, Ignacio and his partner can identify what needs were up for both of them in the moment and what each of them could do differently in the future to prevent the painful trigger.
For example, let's imagine that the trigger event was that, upon arriving home, Ignacio went directly to the bedroom and didn't greet his partner. After asking each other what needs were present, they identify that when Ignacio gets home, she has a need for connection and he has a need for rest. To care for both of these needs, they make a simple agreement. For the next week, he will greet her briefly upon arriving home and she will wait a half hour before starting a conversation or making a request.
In this scenario, there is no attempt to find out who was wrong. Rather, the focus is on how it will be done differently in the future.
Taking responsibility is done by identifying the needs present for each when something doesn’t go well, and then finding a way to do it differently.
Putting it all together, here are the basic steps that help repair small ruptures.
1. Express what specific behavior triggered you and make a connecting request. Here are some examples of possible connecting requests:
Could you tell me what you are hearing me say?
It really helps me feel connected to know you understand what triggered me. Could you tell me what you're hearing triggered me and how I felt when that happened?
I am looking for clarity, not wanting to blame or shame. Could you tell me what you heard?
2. Identify the needs that were up for both of you at the moment of the rupture.
3. Brainstorm what you could each do differently in a future similar situation to care for the needs named.
4. Commit to trying something new and check in about how it's working.
Practice
Take a moment to review a recent small rupture in connection you had with someone close to you. How might you have included the steps named above?