How to Support Your Partner's Autonomy

In an intimate relationship, it is common for one partner to have a tenuous relationship to intimacy and the other to have a tenuous relationship to autonomy. If you are the partner with a tender need for intimacy, you might often be triggering a sense of threat regarding autonomy for your partner. Recognizing the signs that your partner perceives a threat to autonomy and offering support in simple ways can contribute to healthy differentiation in your relationship.

When your partner perceives a threat to autonomy, they might say any of the following:

• You are so demanding

• Stop pressuring me

• I just need my freedom

• Can I get a little space?!

• You want too much from me

• You come in too close

• Do we have to talk about everything?!

As with recognizing any form of reactivity, train yourself to pay less attention to the content of what is shared and more attention to the tone and underlying need; in this case the need for autonomy.

Let's look at three specific opportunities to provide support for autonomy.  First, take responsibility for your own insecurity or reactivity regarding intimacy.  Imagine your partner does or says something that you perceive as a movement away from intimacy. You feel yourself get tense and defensive. You remember not to talk while you're reactive so you take a timeout and check in with your feelings and needs.  You come back later to debrief your reaction with your partner. Without taking full responsibility for reactivity, your honest expression could sound like this:

This morning when you said, “I can't just stand here. I need to get to work,” I had a thought that I am not important to you. Thinking that I feel sad and hurt because I need connection and respect. The next time I start to share something with you and you don't have the space to hear it, would you be willing to tell me that I'm important and that you would like to listen to later?"

If you have been cultivating the skills of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, you recognize that this contains all the essential elements of honest expression. However, if your partner is protecting their autonomy this will likely be perceived as a demand, something like,  "Behave a certain way so that I don't get triggered." 

When you can clearly take responsibility for your own reactivity, your partner will likely feel relief regarding the clarity around boundaries that this provides. Taking responsibility for reactivity while offering honest expression might sound like this:

This morning when you said, “I can't just stand here. I need to get to work,” I could feel myself react so I took a timeout. Upon reflection, I realize I had a thought that I am not important to you.  That's a trigger I work with regularly in life.  So instead of believing it as truth, I thought about what was going on this morning. I was asking for your attention while you were in the process of getting ready for work. I was feeling excited to share something with you and you were focused on your need for reliability regarding getting to work. Understanding it this way, I realize that in the future I want to honor me and you by making sure you have the space to hear me before I start sharing something that’s important to me.  What comes up for you hearing this?"

In this case, you acknowledged your thought as a habit you are working with rather than truth.  You identified your need for honor and then decided how you would handle it differently next time (request for yourself).  When your partner hears that you have done this internal work, they will most likely feel relief because needs for clarity and mutuality are met. They might, at this point, be able to reflect on their own experience without a sense of threat to autonomy.

Decision making also provides a clear opportunity to support your partner's autonomy. When your partner shares a decision they have made, you can express support without agreeing or disagreeing with their decision. Tending to and supporting your partner's autonomy in decision making might sound like this:

• Good for you. You seemed pleased about that.

• Sounds like you are really clear that that's the best way to take care of yourself.

• I support you doing what’s right for you.

• I’m curious what needs that decision will meet for you.

• Okay, I'd love to hear how that goes for you when you get back.

For decisions that involve both of you or ones that you are not sure whether they are meant to be collaborative, offer a connecting request before sharing your ideas or input. Connection requests  might sound like this:

• I would like to share what comes up for me.  Are you ready to hear?

• Are you wanting input from me?

• I am not sure if you are just letting me know or you are wanting dialogue. Could you clarify?

• I have some ideas. Are you interested in hearing them?

• I am wondering about how some particular needs will be met.  Are you up for talking about that?

Requests and invitations provide another opportunity to support your partner's autonomy. With any request or invitation, explicitly clarify that you are willing to hear a “no.” You can do this by expressing how much you care about what's right for them.  It could sound something like this:

"I would love to have you with me for this Saturday’s event and I am also okay if you say no. I care about you doing what's right for you. Take your time to think about it and get back to me later if you want."

If your partner struggles to stay connected to their own autonomy, the impulse to please and make others happy in the moment is often very strong.  Encouraging your partner to take time allows them to get connected with their heart rather than their habit.  It also gives you an opportunity to look forward to other ways you can meet your needs if your partner says “no.” As you gain confidence in your ability to hear “no” to requests without taking it personally, your ability to truly respect and support another’s autonomy will deepen, and you will have the opportunity to build trust in receiving  a true and authentic “yes” or “no” to your requests and find that a confident sense of autonomy is essential for true intimacy. 

Practice

This week notice when one of these three opportunities to support your partner's autonomy presents itself and, if you can do so from a place of generosity, offer support.