Practice Honest Expression: Skill 3: Use feeling words to express feelings rather than interpretive words

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 3: Honest Expression, see Skill 1: Ask the other person if they are willing to listen before engaging in honest expression, and Skill 2: Distinguish neutral observations from other types of thoughts.

Skill 3: Use feeling words to express feelings rather than interpretive words

There are  words in our language that are used as feelings but are actually interpretations of what you think someone is doing to you. They imply feelings and needs indirectly. These are valid words and in some cases even important legal terms, like harassment, that go on to describe very specific behaviors that the word denotes in that context.

These words may be essential to communicate meaning, but when used without also stating feelings, needs, and requests, they tend to trigger defensiveness and an escalation of reactivity on both sides.

The goal with this skill is to be able to use these words consciously; use a feeling word when you want to express a feeling and an interpretative word when you want to share your interpretation. Understanding the difference can also help you discern when sharing feelings rather than or in addition to interpretations would support the connection.

PRACTICE

Name the feelings and needs that you guess are most likely implied by each interpretive word listed below. Consult your feelings and needs list. 

Abandoned

Attacked

Betrayed

Blamed

Criticized

Discounted

Disrespected

Dumped on

Ignored

Intimidated

Invalidated

Left out

Manipulated

Misunderstood

Rejected

Bullied

Coerced

Pressured

Violated

Taken advantage of

Unappreciated

Unloved

Smothered

Patronized

Wronged

Insulted

Used