Empathy & Discernment: Your Stuck Friend (Part 2)

In the previous Connection Gem entitled Your Stuck Friend (Part 1) we addressed the topic of finding compassion for a friend in your life who seems stuck in their own suffering. I mentioned starting with identifying the "shoulds" you have for yourself and your friend, identifying your feelings and needs, and allowing yourself to be with any grief that is present for you. 

This week, let's see how you can shift your understanding and compassion for your friend’s experience.

First, an attitude of humility will help open your heart and mind. Remind yourself that you haven't lived this person's life. The causes and conditions that have your friend thinking, believing, and behaving as they do are myriad and infinite. Your friend is on their own path and you have no way of knowing for certain what is helpful in the big picture. Part of humility is acknowledging the mystery of something greater and infinitely more complex than you can imagine is at work in our lives. Let yourself envision that no matter what twists or turns your friend's life takes, they will find their way to wholeness.

Next, remember the power of habit energy and unexamined beliefs. Habits and beliefs are a tremendous force that can either support or hinder creativity, freedom, and agency. Think about a time when you were stuck in a particular behavior or mind state. Even though you could see what you were doing, it probably took a while before you could find the confidence, clarity, and power to do something different.  

Now you are ready to make some empathy guesses. Let’s look at an example. In the last Gem, a Gem Reader wrote-in that their friend was suffering from poor health and seemed to be making decisions that exacerbated her problems. 

I listed the following “shoulds” that the Gem Reader likely had about their friend:

• She should take responsibility for the her own problems.

• She should think about how her problems affect others.

• She shouldn't ask for help if she is not going to use it.

• She should pull herself together and do something that's effective.

• She shouldn't be so attached to her identity of someone in pain.

• She should see how she creates her own problems.
  

For the friend in this example, you might guess the following feelings and needs:

• She might feel confused and need clarity.

• She might feel overwhelmed and need grounding and comfort.

• She might feel emotional and physical pain and need healing.

• She might feel ashamed and need self-acceptance.

• She might feel scared and need support.

The important part of guessing about another person’s feelings and needs is not so that you can rescue them with better strategies for improvement. The important part is opening your heart and making space to be with things as they are. This brings some relief to you both.

You may be wondering, “What about taking care of myself in this relationship?” As always, bring yourself back to the question, “What will create the most connection?” Perhaps taking a break from spending time together will help you reconnect with your own feelings, needs, boundaries or requests. When you are ready, here are some questions that can help you check in with yourself:

• Where’s my energy for being with this person right now? Am I in a place where I can meet them with empathy and accept that they are hurting without feeling compelled to do something about it?

• Can I make room for myself in our time together despite their suffering (e.g., ask for empathy about something up for me, celebrate something I enjoy, etc.)?

• Can I make little requests in the moment like, 'hey, I am needing some relaxation—can we talk about light things today like movies or books?'

• Is there something I can do with them that would be enjoyable for us both?

• Do I want to express my feelings and needs and make a request?

The steps here and in the last Connection Gem may seem like a lot to do in a friendship that you already consider to be draining, and it’s helpful to remember that shutting down, getting angry, or harboring resentment also takes a lot energy. Sometimes you need rest from a difficult dynamic before you can attempt discernment and reflection. Sometimes you will choose to set a compassionate boundary. The honesty and kindness you have with yourself will serve others through the grounded presence it helps you embody.

Practice

Take some time now to check in with your own needs and energy around a difficult relationship. If you have the energy, bring to your heart and mind a friend you care about who seems stuck. Engage in the following steps:

1. Humility: Remind yourself that the causes and conditions that have your friend thinking, believing, and behaving as they do are myriad and infinite.

2. Remind yourself that habits and beliefs are a tremendous force that can either support or hinder creativity, freedom, and agency.

3. Write out or speak any “shoulds” you are holding about yourself or your friend.

4. On your own or with an empathy buddy, make some empathy guesses about your friend’s feelings and needs.