Practice Thriving and Resilience: Skill 4: Express 5 positives to every one negative
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 9: Thriving & Resilience, see Skill 1: Describe events using neutral observations, Skill 2: Meet both positive and negative events with equanimity, and Skill 3: Take action to nourish emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs on a consistent daily or weekly basis.
Skill 4: Express 5 positives to every one negative
The way you use your attention shapes your life and affects the lives of those around you. Your attention is one of your most valuable internal resources. Strategies that enable you to direct your attention in simple, authentic ways help you transform little by little.
Consciously learning to direct your attention to what’s working isn’t about smoothing over conflict or repressing experiences of unmet needs. It’s about supporting your thriving.
Research from the Gottman institute reveals that the ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative is what is observed in couples who report they enjoy their relationship.
Practice
You can learn to train your attention in daily life on your own and in interactions with others. There are a number of simple mindfulness strategies that can help.
Put 5 marbles in your pocket and each time you say something positive move a marble to the other pocket. Move all the marbles by the end of the day.
Set your intention to say 3 things you are grateful for each time you step outside.
Each time you feel a sense of discomfort or aversion pause and engage a regulation strategy and notice something pleasant in your experience.
Start family dinners with an expression of gratitude from each person.
Each time you complain about something, also look for what is going well in that situation.
The more consistently you can maintain an expansive perspective, the more easily you can train and direct your attention. The more you train and direct your attention the more you can maintain an expansive perspective.
You can find a related Connection Gem here.