Relating to What You Want with Equanimity
Being able to relate to any part of your experience with acceptance and compassion is one of the foundations of freedom and joy. Great suffering comes from shame about the basics of how you thrive and don't thrive in a close personal relationship. When you imagine there is some set of rules about what you are allowed to need and what you aren't allowed to need in a personal relationship, shame will inevitably be triggered. Your lived experience doesn’t abide by a set of rules or ideals, thus they inevitably trigger suffering.
For example, imagine you may have a rule that says: "In all relationships I should be satisfied with the level of connection the other person offers.” But the fact is, you notice that in particular relationships you are not satisfied. In addition, the lack of connection triggers insecurity. In an attempt to find relief from the tension of not abiding by your own rules, you might reflect on your childhood, read about attachment theory, or consult your horoscope. Regardless of whatever understanding you gain, the fact remains for you, for example, that you thrive in a close relationship when you have multiple connection points in a given week. This is just the way it is for you. It doesn't mean that you aren't doing your personal work and growing and changing. It simply is the way your system works. This might always be true for you or it might not.
Sometimes it helps to gain acceptance about what truly works for you, by imagining that before you were born, you were handed some "karmic packages" (e.g., ways of relating, patterns of reactivity, unique challenges & strengths, types of wounding, etc.) and told that these are for you to unwrap, explore and learn from. These karmic packages are NOT who you are; understanding this allows you to find equanimity in your relationship to them. Part of being responsible for your karmic packages is being honest about what they are and how they work.
When you are caught in shame or embarrassment about your karmic packages, the result is usually confusing arguments, sudden outbursts, shut down, manipulation, or keeping secrets. It takes self-awareness, courage, and responsibility to be honest with someone close to you about how you really thrive. Often you will find that your honesty and courage inspires others to meet you and share equally. Sometimes though, you find out that not everyone can meet you at that level of vulnerability. Regardless of how grounded and skillful you are at communicating your needs and requests, another may still hear demands and expectations. In this case a relationship may need to end. While this is painful, it may save you months or years of investing in a relationship in which you don’t thrive.
When another can receive your honesty and then share honestly about how much they can offer and what they are willing to change, new doors of creativity and collaboration open up. You may be able to negotiate and find new and creative ways to meet your needs in that relationship. The key that opens the door to this creative collaboration is honesty about the way it is for you and hearing back from the other person about what they can truly offer from the generosity of their autonomous heart.
When this level of honesty occurs at the beginning of a relationship it helps both people enter into a commitment with clarity and mutual respect. And since you are an ever-changing flow of dynamic aliveness, honesty is really an ongoing practice of self-reflection and courageous sharing that arises out of a compassionate and accepting relationship to all of your experiences, including your karmic packages.
Practice
Take a moment to check in with something you would like in one of your close relationships, that you haven't yet shared with the other person. Follow these steps for reflection:
Name clearly the feeling, need, and request that goes along with what you would like.
Name any shame or embarrassment that comes up.
Breath through your heart, offer yourself reassurance that it's okay to experience what's present, and to want what you want.
Allow yourself to rest there for a couple of minutes, just softening and welcoming your experience.
