Take a Close Look at Control
To lead ourselves into a world that cares for the needs of all will require subtle and full synergistic collaboration among us humans and all of the natural world. Part of entering into this involves becoming very clear about what blocks this synergistic collaboration.
Control could be considered the opposite of collaboration. It is a popular strategy of a previous era. It is time to be done with this tragic strategy. Like any tragic strategy, control attempts to meet some needs at the cost of others. This applies to all levels, individual, interpersonal, and communal.
One aspect of becoming free of an old way of believing, perceiving, feeling and acting is to see and know it thoroughly. In this way, it can be recognized and interrupted the moment it arises.
Let’s examine control from four aspects: belief, perception, feeling, and action. Even though I will talk about each of these separately, we know that each influences the other in reciprocal interactions that can either strengthen or weaken this contracted state of consciousness.
Belief
To live in the illusion that you can control life, you must hold a variety of beliefs. Let’s name three. First, you must believe that you are separate. The belief in separation goes far beyond the physicality of having individual bodies. It makes us blind to our affect on each other and the ecosystem. This belief automatically lends itself to the belief that some needs must be met at the cost of others. This then generates scarcity and competition.
Second, a belief in separation, lends itself to believing in the idea that you can evaluate others and all of life along any scale such as good/bad, worthy/unworthy, belonging/not belonging, etc. This very simplistic belief denies the complexity and power of all forms of life and thereby also robs one of the opportunity to receive from life.
Third, in the face of stress and fear, this stance slides downhill quickly into the belief that others are less than or even objects upon which you act to control in a way that will somehow make your life better. Of course, this is where we find the concept of deserve and not deserve, which Marshall Rosenberg stated as the most violent concept on the planet. It is a concept used to separate humans and other living beings into categories and then justify violent action and a denial of resources through a particular line of thought.
In sum, with a belief in separation, one must deny that we affect each other and therefore also give up the opportunity to recognize our interconnection and the great power we have when we unite in a shared intention.
Perception
Beliefs direct what you pay attention to and therefore perceive.
When these beliefs and other corollary beliefs are present, perception of threat is frequent. Any level of belief in separation creates a “me” against “you” or an “us” against “them.” This sense of division will have one scanning for any hint of threat. Examples of what could be perceived as a threat could include: a frown, someone or something unfamiliar, any form of difference, a loud noise, an idea, an expression of love, a desire to connect…anything can be perceived as a threat when one believes they are separate.
A perception of threat can show up in a variety of ways such as:
Dislike
Judgments
Refusal to connect
Defending
Attacking
Perception of threat blocks curiosity. Instead of asking why someone has a particular facial expression, or getting curious about a new idea, a sense of threat pushes one’s attention toward protection. We then lose an opportunity to learn, grow, connect, and discover.
Feeling
Fear is the most basic feeling associated with these beliefs and perceptions. Fear is often difficult to perceive however if one is fully in the grips of attempting to control. Feelings and attitudes that are more easily perceived when fear is present in this amalgamation of control include:
Arrogance
Contraction
Passivity
Shut down
Hate
Anger
Escalated or depressed heart rate
With fear and its secondary feelings, one loses access to love, creativity, joy, a sense of communion, and the capacity to collaborate with skill and wisdom.
Action
Action taken from the impulse to control, is recognizable in at least the following ways.
Attempts to have “power over” which might include behaviors and words that involve gas lighting, minimizing, dismissing, criticizing, slandering, or convincing.
Making threats in any form
Acting in ways that are harmful to self and others physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually
When systems that depend on these beliefs, perceptions, feelings, and actions begin to show their fragility, there might be a period of grasping and escalated attempts to control; which then triggers fear and increased perception of threat. This then triggers a vicious circle of fear, perception of threat, and actions to defend or attack.
Stepping out of this cycle means grounding in love, care, and our true source of power as connected and infinitely creative beings.
Practice
As you recognize the signs of control within and around you, expansion in any form is an immediate antidote.
You can expand through simple regulation strategies such as a deep full breath and a long slow exhale.
You can expand by dancing in the streets or putting on a funny costume.
You can expand by offering a smile or receiving a hug.
You can expand by pausing to enjoy the evening sky or listen to birdsong.