Saying No with Connection and Opening a Negotiation
As you walk this path of increasing self-awareness and self-connection, your daily life more thoroughly reflects your values. You step into a confidence about how and where you want to invest your life energy. As you have more experiences of being supported in the flow of a life that works for you, you find you are less willing to disconnect from your heart in a moment of trying to please someone or set a boundary. How can you approach requests from others with an open heart while remaining grounded in what’s authentic for you?
Perhaps the most useful tool for self-awareness is the ability to track subtle movement associated with contraction and expansion, or staying centered, moving toward, or moving away. Fundamentally, this is awareness of equanimity. Equanimity is one of the nine foundations of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue and central for living from your deepest values.
To cultivate this awareness, set your intention to use requests as cues that remind you to pay attention in this way. In this practice, you might notice that if you habitually want to please others when you hear their requests, you will feel a subtle movement toward them and out of your center. If you habitually want to protect autonomy when you hear their requests, you will feel a subtle contraction or movement away. In these moments, bringing your attention back to center is your first priority. If you habitually move towards, this will feel like sitting back into your center. If you habitually protect, this will feel like relaxing and turning towards the other person.
As you find your center you could ask for a moment of pause or simply repeat the request back to them to buy time. Curiosity arises from confidence. Once you find your inner seat, you can get curious about their request. This is the time to guess the needs they hope to meet with their request and clarify the details of their request. Let’s look at an example, imagine a friend asks you if you can help them move on Saturday, an exchange might sound something like this:
You: Oh, you’re moving Saturday, that’s a big deal, huh? (Affirming you hear them and want to connect with them. This also gives you a moment to find your center)
Your friend: Yeah it is. I rented a truck.
You: So you're needing support with the heavy things? (Getting clarity about the need and the details of the request)
Your friend: Well, no, I don't have anything real heavy. I am just feeling emotional about this move and wanting some company.
You: Oh, okay, you're wanting some company. (Affirming you hear the need and slowing down the dialogue so you can remain aware of staying connected)
When you hear your friend’s need for companionship as separate from helping them move on Saturday, you will likely feel your heart soften and a sense of creativity or flexibility open up as you imagine many ways you could meet your own needs and your friend’s need for companionship regarding the move. Now you can express caring for them without abandoning your own needs. It might sound something like this:
You: Okay yeah, I definitely want to offer you some company with your move. (Affirming caring for your friend). As far as Saturday during the day goes, I have it planned as a rest day. Health and rejuvenation are important to me. (Identifying your own needs and standing confidently in them). I wonder about bringing over dinner Saturday evening or helping you unpack boxes Sunday morning? (Opening a negotiation)
When someone makes a request of you and you don’t have plans with someone else, it can be difficult to stay committed to the plans you made with yourself. If you have difficulty valuing your own needs, you might respond with a resentful “yes” or a defensive “no.” A calm confidence and connection comes from not only valuing your own needs, but also trusting the negotiation process.
When you begin the process of negotiating by offering alternatives, your friend might become reactive. Rather than hearing your invitation to find a way to honor both sets of needs, they might interpret rejection or abandonment. You can keep caring about your friend while not taking responsibility for their reactivity. If you have the energy and inclination, you might offer reassurance about your caring and repeat your desire to meet their need with a different strategy. Long term, your ability to stay with yourself while expressing care will build trust in relationships in which the other person is connected to values around mutuality and healthy differentiation.
Practice
Take a moment now to bring to mind a request someone has of you. This could be a work task or something you have been asked to do around the house. As you focus on this request, practice sensing that subtle movement toward or away, contraction or expansion. Gently guide yourself back to center by remembering there are many strategies to meet a given need in you or in another.
