3 Principles for Teaching Others Your Love Language
There is a certain way that you most readily receive love. Gary Chapman speaks about this phenomena clearly and accessibly in his book, The Five Love Languages.* Of course, this doesn't just apply to love; you have a preferred strategy for meeting each of your needs. You have particular preferences around how you want to be supported, what activities meet your need for play, what builds trust for you, etc. Meeting the need for love is simply one of the key needs in close relationships.
When things are going well, exchanges of love in any form are often enough to sustain connection. However, when you are facing big challenges in life, you are more likely to look for that deep sense of love and support that you only experience with your preferred strategy. For example, when things are going well you know that your friend shows her love and support by cooking meals for you and giving you a ride to the airport when you need one (Dr. Chapman would call this love language "acts of service"). You appreciate this even though it is not your love language.
Then you have a few rough months: perhaps your partner breaks up with you, there is conflict at work, and a close family member dies. When you are low on emotional resources, you just want to be met in the "right" way! Suddenly the acts of service from your friend aren't enough, and you have thoughts that she doesn't really care and isn't supportive. You think, "She should know that when I am struggling, I need words of encouragement and verbal empathy. After all, we have known each other for twenty years!"
Unfortunately, no amount of time teaches those close to you how to best support you when you are in great need. Only you can teach them how to love you by communicating clearly and with respect for their choice and ability. Perhaps for you words comes easily, so it may be hard to imagine how the other person could really just not know what to say. A lack of acceptance regarding these kinds of differences leads to resentful expectations that leak out in abrasive comments or a gradual pulling away.
So, the first principle of teaching someone your love language is respect for differences. This includes the very important consciousness of "giving others the benefit of the doubt" or "assuming good intent.” When you learn to see and appreciate others' good intentions even when their actions don't meet you in your preferred way, you can make requests with kindness and respect.
The second principle is self-responsibility. If you have unhealed wounding around an experience of not being loved and supported in the way that is most nurturing for you, you might reactively think others should just know. This is the voice of an angry and hurting child longing for the original experience being loved unconditionally without having to do anything. Hold this childlike part of yourself with tenderness and care while gently letting yourself know that you can still have the experience of being loved fully, and that among adults this means letting the other person know how to love you in a direct and detailed way. If you leave something as important as love to chance, you might spend many years waiting for the "right person" to come along and fulfill that wish.
Self-responsibility not only means that you are willing to ask directly for what you want (which, of course, means that you have cultivated a certain depth of self-awareness), but also that you recognize that responsibility for meeting your needs rests with you. From this perspective, when others say yes to your request, it is a gift rather than fulfillment of an expectation.
The third principle is immediacy and repetition. Immediacy and repetition is nothing new in the world of learning theory. Applying a skill in the moment it is relevant, and having the opportunity to do that many times over with corrective feedback, is how we learn. Somehow when emotions get involved you may begin to imagine that your partner or friend should be able to learn something as complex as loving you with one example and request— not so.
Let's go back to our example of your friend who offers acts of service when your love language is really about words of encouragement and empathy. You share something vulnerable and your friend sits quietly. You remember you want to be self-responsible and let her know what you need. You make a request, "Sharing just now, it would really help me feel supported to hear what you're understanding about my situation. Would you be willing to say?"
Later in the evening, the exact same situation occurs. You think to yourself, "Now surely she knows what I am looking for here, I just told her forty minutes ago." Here's the thing: if there is a loving intention but your friend isn't speaking your love language, then she doesn't know how yet. It is that simple. It is up to you to immediately make the request again with respect and kindness. Taking responsibility for your needs in the moment prevents resentment and demands. When you are fully self-responsible, the other person is more likely to receive your request as an opportunity to contribute. When your friend or partner is spontaneously "speaking" your love language you will know they have learned it. This may take days, months, years, or decades. Learning curves are diverse.
Here are some ways to contribute to a sense of ease and connection around teaching your love language to another:
Learn the other person's love language and stretch yourself to "speak" it.
Find as many ways as you can to show respect for choice and differences.
Acknowledge and celebrate good intentions.'
Acknowledge and celebrate all expressions of love.
Highlight and share the depth of impact on you when the other person does offer love in your love language.
Practice
What are the ways you feel most loved? Take a few moments now to reflect on a time you felt most loved. What were the key elements of that experience? What were others offering and what were you doing to receive? Do you know how the people closest to you best receive love? Take a moment to make some guesses in your heart.
*The five love languages named by Gary Chapman are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch.
