Self-Connection and Your Stuck Friend (Part 1)
Is there someone in your life who you care for and at the same time want to avoid? Each time you see them they complain of their suffering, and it’s pretty much the same thing you have been hearing about for the last year or more? You can see a part of them that is alive and delightful—and yet they don't see it in themselves. No amount of advice, reassurance, or cheerleading helps them shift out of the stuck place they are in. When you think about them, you start to feel heavy and frustrated, wanting to be helpful, but not having much hope that you can be.
Regarding a situation like this, a Gem reader wrote:
"How do I communicate my needs for peace and joy to people in my life who are in a really negative space? I find myself not wanting to be around these people, but also wanting to convey why I may pull back from them. These are people who I care about, but I am feeling drained when I am around them.”
This Gem reader includes an example from their life: “A friend who eats lots of processed foods decides to stop taking their thyroid, antidepressants, and birth control pills all at once without consulting with her doctor. She complains about how she is having all kinds of physical problems, pain, depression, and is up all night crying because she is so miserable. I listen with empathy and tell her I hear how she feels really bad, is scared and off balance, and that she has needs for health and relief. She tells me about her health issues, she makes and cancels doctor appointments, keeps a very busy schedule, and travels cross-country for work each week. To me, it seems that she wants to tell me how bad everything is without making an effort to take care of herself. I feel distressed because I long for responsibility from my friend regarding her own self-care.”
In a situation like this, the first thing to bring into awareness as you cultivate the consciousness and skills of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD) is that our purpose is to find authentic connection. One difficulty in arriving here is getting through the jungle of “shoulds,” which block access to connection.
Let's make some guesses about our Gem reader's jungle. Here are some “shoulds” they likely have about themselves:
I should be more compassionate, understanding, patient, . . .
I should know how to help.
I should be able to say what's on my mind.
I should respect her path.
Here are some “shoulds” they likely have about their friend:
She should take responsibility for her own problems.
She should think about how her problems affect others.
She shouldn't ask for help if she is not going to use it.
She should pull herself together and do something that's effective.
She shouldn't be so attached to her identity as someone in pain.
She should see how she creates her own problems.
It can take a lot of clarity to get these “shoulds” out into the open. When they are out where you can see them, you can make guesses about the needs these thoughts are attempting to care for. Start by naming the feelings and needs beneath the “shoulds” you have about yourself. Once you access self-empathy, it becomes easier to find the points of connection beneath your “shoulds” for another–which we will cover in the next Connection Gem.
For our Gem reader, self-empathy might sound like this:
"It's so important to me to treat others with compassion and acceptance. I feel sad seeing how difficult it is to access that with this friend. I feel frustrated because I want to offer help that works for my friend and nothing seems to help. I also want to use my energy in a way that makes a difference. I care about contribution. It's really difficult for me to watch someone I care for suffer and not be able to do anything about it. Let me just sit here and feel the grief and accept that this suffering is what is true right now."
It is common to feel grief when you witness another person’s suffering and cannot find a way to contribute. Getting to grief is a foundational skill in MCD consciousness. A willingness to feel grief about a situation in your life is a movement towards acceptance of things as they are. Without this willingness to grieve, you might find yourself resisting life, and your decisions will inevitably arise from a subtle place of anger or resentment. Allowing yourself to grieve and accept things as they are, you open the door to a fuller connection to your longing to contribute to life. From this place, you can make decisions that are truly helpful.
PRACTICE
In the next Connection Gem I will offer another step in meeting situations like these.
This week, choose a situation in which someone you care for is suffering. Let yourself state the facts of the situation clearly and then name the "shoulds" you have about it. Take some time to name the feelings and needs beneath your “shoulds.”
Finally, allow yourself to feel your grief as you see this person suffer. You might do this by saying to yourself, "I feel sad seeing them suffer. It's painful to know they are hurting."
Notice if this practice opens the door to more authentic connection with yourself. This is the first step in re-establishing a felt sense of authentic connection with another.